Once Upon A Dream
by Fallenepiphany
Summary: Two Months after TWS. Bucky is struggling to reconcile the man he and the man he has become. Rachel Reid is unwillingly following in her deceased father's footsteps. Hydra is not dead and it's difficult to know who to trust. With S.H.I.E.L.D rebuilding itself, a world of lies, deceit and murder is opening itself up. All the while a shadow still haunts Rachel's dreams. Rated R
1. Once Upon A Dream

**AN : **So after watching and re-watching Captain America : The Winter Solider 173 times or so, I realised that I had couldn't leave the story as it was for two years. So I began to plot and plan and cultivate this little story - which is all it is right now. As with most of my fics - this story will contain an Original Character. If you aren't keen on OC's then there's a back button on the top left of the screen that will take you out of this story.  
I own nothing but my OC, all credit goes to Marvel for their amazing stories and characters that I am merely borrowing.  
Any lyrics used are the rightful property of their writers.  
Now. **Enough chit-chat. **Enjoy and hit that button right down the bottom. Every review helps Bucky remember XD

* * *

**Once Upon A Dream **- a Winter Solider Fanfiction by FallenEpiphany

**Chapter One : **

_I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream_  
_I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam_

Voices, loud and angry mad the floor vibrate beneath her feet. She rubbed her tired eyes and shuffled across the room. It was still dark out, it wasn't morning yet.

Her stuffed bear trailed, loved and limp at her side.

''They will never be able to use it without me!'' The voice, now singular grew louder now, shaking with a mix of nerves and defiance.  
She stood, bleary eyed on the landing, squinting as the dim light from below made it's way up the stairs. There were two shadows. When the second shadow spoke, she could not understand the hard words.

_''то вы умрете...''  
_

Tiny feet made no sound on the soft carpet of the stairs but the voices stopped suddenly._  
_

In her sleepy stupor she did not know that there was something wrong until she was standing at the end of the stairs peering between the railings.

''Daddy?'' Where there had been two shadows, now only one man stood.

Her father was standing some twelve feet away, the wide double doors of the dining room had been thrown open and he was standing in front of the table, looking rather distressed.  
He turned wild-eyed and stared at her incredulously.  
''_Rachel_?'' his mouth formed her name but no sound emerged.

Confused, the five year old stumbled forward, seeking her father's embrace.

''No.'' his voice came loud and stern now.  
''Rachel, go back to bed.'' He barked.

Tears sprang forth with impressive speed, it was not like her father to be so stern. Confusion reigned and Rachel did not move.

They shared a look then, father and daughter.  
Rachel sniffed and buried her nose into her bear, closing her eyes tightly.

There was an almost deafening bang and a thump that made her scream so loudly that the next door neighbours hurried to call 911, and she covered her ears, dropping the old bear in fear.

When she opened her eyes, she saw him. Blood pooled on the floor, staining the white rug her mother loved so dearly, his brown eyes unseeing.

In her fear, shock and inability to fully comprehend the situation. She never did mention that second shadow. She never knew why, but she felt it was something that ought not be mentioned, and eventually, years later when her father's suicide stung a little less, she dreamt about that shadow, and that voice. But she wondered if it was not just that - a dream.


	2. Who We Are

**AN : **So first couple of chapters are probably going to be a little bit short as there's going to be quite a lot of POV changes. This is not a song fic, but there will most likely be a lot of music and lyric references. I will do my best to put title of any songs used in either the chapter title or the chapter itself in the AN.  
Without giving too much away, please note that there will be a lot of medical terms used throughout this fic. Unfortunately I am not a Doctor or a Nurse, so anything that sounds made up - probably is.  
Song used : Imagine Dragons - Who We Are.

* * *

**Chapter Two :**

_It's who we are_  
_Doesn't matter if we've gone too far_  
_Doesn't matter if it's all okay_

The cat stretched and yawned claws curling in and out of the duvet, she peered imperiously at the snoring dog.  
The human was not yet awake, but it was already bright outside. Falling from the bed with a near silent, soft thump, it padded to the door.  
Much to the cat's frustration, the door was closed. Her food bowl was on the other side of the door.

_Time to wake the human up.  
_

The loud wailing yowl from Luna and the booming bark from Allie made Rachel sit bolt upright with a gasp.  
The golden Labrador's tail hit her bed in repetitive loud concessions. Luna rubbed against the door, purring softly, and mewling all the while.  
''Okay. Okay I'm up.'' Rachel yawned loudly holding up her hands in defence. Her muscles stiff as she hauled her legs over the side of her bed and groaned, attempting to rub life back into her body.

She moved with the stiffness of a much older person. Slipping into her flip-flops, and placing a hand on the wall for a moment of much needed support, Rachel tugged the door open and Luna scurried off, tail held high – towards her food bowl.  
''Come on then.'' Rachel motioned for Allie to follow. Which the dog did, with such fervour that Rachel was almost knocked off of her feet as Allie hurried across the wooden floor, slipping and sliding in an almost comical manner.

''Well good morning to you too.'' Rachel huffed, her flip-flops slapped off the floor, and she pulled a hair tie from her wrist, hoisting her hair into an exceptionally messy pony tail

Luna hollered from the kitchen counter, weaving in between the appliances, as if she had been starved for several days and was nearing death.

''Alright, alright.'' Dodging the dancing dog she picked up both their food bowls and quickly filled them. She was barely able to put them in place when the beasts were devouring them.  
''You're both getting fat.'' she shot at them, then shook her head and smiled.

Rachel rolled her eyes then, and stepping between them, she reached up to the medicine cabinet, feeling around she pulled down the bottle of L-dopa and downed two with a mouthful of water straight from the tap. She flicked the small radio by the coffee machine on and the local news reporters dulcet tones filled the kitchen.  
_''-two months since the incident involving the suspected hijacking of three Helicarriers over the capital-'' _

From her bedroom, she heard her alarm sound off and she groaned.

Thirty minutes later, Rachel was feeling somewhat more limber as the Levodopa coursed through her system and her muscles relaxed somewhat, lifting her mood considerably.  
Coffee in hand and goodbyes said, Rachel was out the door with keys in hand. She lived on a reasonably upscale street - her father's life insurance had paid out handsomely after his death and seen to it that both she and her mother lived a relatively comfortable life.

The authorities had looked into it first of course, because several days before his suicide, his policy had been upgraded to allow for such. Any seemingly suspicious circumstances were quickly dismissed however. The Reid family found themselves splashed through local tabloids for a couple of weeks.  
_'Tragedy as brilliant Professor of Neuroscience takes own life. Leaves wife and daughter distraught.'_

Mercifully, it hadn't lasted very long. It blew over, as these things often do.  
Rachel had had her photo in the paper after her graduation. A nice little article about how the daughter of the late great Conrad Reid was making a name for herself, against all odds, graduated top of her class.  
Rachel's mother had cut the piece from the paper, and five years later it was still stuck to her damn fridge.

As if Eliza Reid somehow _knew_ that her daughter was thinking of her, Rachel's cell thrummed loudly from the depths of her bag.  
''Hey.'' She gasped, swallowing a mouthful of coffee that was so hot, she was sure it would burn a hole in her tongue.  
''Rach hi, how are you baby?'' her mother's voice was awash with a million worries and emotions.  
''Fine, just on my way to work.'' Rachel shifted the phone so it sat between her ear and her shoulder as she unlocked the side gate to the house and found her bicycle perched against the wall.  
''Taking a cab?'' her mother asked hopefully.  
Rachel rolled her eyes. 'A cab? In New York? It's like a ten minute cycle to the subway. Why would I take a cab?''

She heard a resounding sigh from the other end of the line. ''I just wish you would look after yourself a little better.''  
Rachel tried to keep the exasperation out of her voice, ''Mom you're being a helicopter again. Stop hovering, I'm fine.''  
Her mother's love for Rachel knew no bounds, but this early in the morning, it was just downright smothering. Before she asked her final parting question – the same damn question she asked every time they spoke – Rachel beat her to it.  
''I took it first thing this morning, same as every morning. Now I love you and I will ring you tonight, but I am going to be late and my coffee is going cold. Bye mom.'' As touched the end call button, Rachel could hear her mother's final shrill warning of cycling and drinking coffee.

She rooted out her headphones and set her favourite playlist to shuffle before stuffing her phone back into the messy depths of her handbag. Rachel slung it across her shoulders, with coffee in hand, she gingerly placed a leg over the bike and set off at a leisurely pace down the street.

The subway was an exceptionally short distance away, but cycling gave her body a concussion free stretch in the morning. She had not taken two sips from her coffee when she was chaining her bike to the railing and hurrying down the stairs.

_''Up in the morning, up in the evening, picking down clocks, when the birds come out to eat...'' _She sang softly – and rather off key under her breath as she weaved in and out of the crowds.

The hustle and bustle of her morning routine was something Rachel revelled in, the sheer normality of jostling for a decent spot in the crowded sub-car, trying desperately not to spill her still steaming – _thank god for thermal flasks_ – coffee.

The Subway left her only a thirteen minute walk from the Hospital. It was so much easier than owning her own car. Trying to navigate the hustle and bustle of New York traffic was not something she could ever enjoy.  
Scanning her key card, she slipped in through the staff door of the New York University Medical Centre, and expansive hospital towering over Kips Bay.  
Headphones remaining firmly in place she nodded and smiled and bade good morning to those she met. Riding the elevator up to the twenty third floor, she narrowly avoided Doctor Shane Scott - a sleezball of the highest order - by diving into a nurses station and hiding from him in the most mature fashion she could muster.

Tracie, her P.A/secretary/confidant and all round right hand was sitting in her plush leather chair, at her exceptionally need desk outside Rachel's office.  
''Mornin' Doc.'' Tracie beamed as Rachel tugged out one of her earphones.  
''Hey Trace.'' Rachel smiled softly and held out her arms as she was handed a stack of folders covered in sticky notes.

''Is this all today's?'' she asked weakly.  
''Uh-huh.'' Tracie blew a bubble with some electric blue bubblegum.  
''How am I for time?'' Rachel asked, backing into her office.  
''Thirty five minutes until your first appointment.'' Tracie's eyes were back on her monitor, and without pausing her rapid fire typing, she answered the phone on it's first shrill ring with a pleasant and warm greeting.

''Good morning, you've reached the office of Doctor Rachel Reid, this is Tracie speaking how may I help you today?''

Rachel shut the door lightly behind her with her foot. Frowning a lightly as she let the hefty stack of folders smack onto her oak desk.  
She stretched lightly, and checked her appearance quickly in the mirror before setting her bag aside and settling into her chair, ready for whatever the days was going to throw her way.

Or at least that's what she thought.


	3. Toss The Book Away

**An : **Again this is another pretty short chapter, but you've had three in one night so lets not be selfish. Same disclaimers apply. **R.E.V.I.E.W**

* * *

**Chapter Three :**

_"Rather than turning the page,  
it's much easier to just throw the book away." _

* * *

_Pain. So much pain._

Head throbbing, vision blurred, heart hammering, disorientated he tried to rise, only to find he was restrained.  
''Stay as you are Sergeant Barnes. This will only take a moment.''  
Needles, prodding, poking, squeezing him, biting him. Awake, asleep. In between.

The Solider had no clue where he was, all he knew was the short hours of pain between his morphine induced sleeping periods, in the rare moments of clarity, as the claws of sleep released him, and there were no looming figures, he was bombarded with the memories of the last two and a half months.

Hydra, the mission, _the man on the bridge, _the aftermath, saving him, fleeing, finding his likeness in a museum, and finally, when the man on the bridge - Steve wasn't it? - caught up with him, in such a weak and disorientated state that the Solider was an easy target for the other Agents, and he was brought here. Wherever _here _was. To the stark white room he found himself in, strapped to a bed, a pile of meat for them to prod and examine at their will.

Outside the room, several people watched through a large window.  
''We can't keep him like this.'' Captain Steve Rodgers crossed his arms and stared at his companions, his bright eyes were awash with so many emotions, but guilt reigned truest.

''I have no intention of keeping him like this Captain Rodgers.'' Nick Fury replied sharply his eye firmly on the Solider in the room.

Steve threw him a questioning look as two more Doctors entered Bucky's room.

''We have someone coming in today.'' Natasha Romanov said when Fury did not engage Steve further.  
''Who?'' he asked immediately.

As if appearing on cue, an S.H.I.E.L.D Agent passed Steve a file, and then disappeared, as fast as she had appeared.  
Steve flipped open the file and pinned to the top right hand corner was a candid photo of a woman with elbow length blonde hair and a carefree look about her.

He read the file quickly.

''A civilian Doctor?'' he cocked an eyebrow.  
''Her father had some dealings with us in the past. He was a good man.'' Fury said simply.  
''Past?''  
Fury waved a dismissive hand. ''It's nothing to concern yourself with Rodgers.'' but then he looked at his watch.  
''Oof, you better go.'' Fury cocked an eyebrow.

''Go?'' Steve repeated.  
''You're going to be late.''  
Steve frowned, ''Late for what?'' confusion was etched upon his face.  
Fury jabbed the file in Steve's hands, ''You've got an appointment with her in under an hour. I'm leaving it up to you to recruit her.''

''Uh...'' Steve's mouth opened slightly, but before he could protest, before he could even speak, Fury was striding off, an Natasha was tugging him towards the elevators, claiming she would get him to the hospital.

* * *

Steve had long ago decided that he did not like being in the car when Natasha drove, her rapid weaving in and out of the heavy morning traffic made him nauseous and he was pretty sure she ran more than one red light.

Nevertheless, she did get him there on time, and together the strode through the hospital doors and straight to the reception desk.  
''Doctor Reid is by appointment only.'' the receptionist said calmly, eyeing them both up and down - though she spent more time eyeing Natasha then Steve.  
Natasha of course had picked up on this, and fluttered her eyelashes, ''We have an appointment. Mr and Mrs Barnes?''

Steve cocked an eyebrow, there were two things wrong with what she had just said and he made a mental note to give her a piece of his mind later. Had she known all along that Fury was going to send him to recruit this Reid woman?

The receptionist tore her eyes away from Natasha long enough to scroll through her computer.  
''Aha I've got you down right here.'' she gave them some directions and as they thanked her and moved away, she hollered, ''I'll call ahead and let them know you're on your way up.''

* * *

The internal line rang and Rachel tucked her hair behind her ear before she answered.  
''Yes?''  
''First appointment is en route. Married couple, blue folder, last name Barnes.'' Tracie spun off rapidly.  
''Okay, spend them in when they get here.'' Rachel replied softly, and hung up. She rose and began tidying her desk. She picked up the blue folder with the sticker proclaiming '_Barnes' _and sat it on the large coffee table.  
Her office was large enough that it houses her desk, two large - very full - bookshelves, the glass coffee table,a two-seater sofa and her own armchair quite comfortably. The great glass windows were open more than they were closed, the fresh air and the beautiful view of the bay was a great natural relaxant.  
Standing once more in front of the mirror, Rachel eyed herself critically. Her blond hair fell just above her elbows, her bangs and side fringe were clipped back out of her slightly round face. Bright, intelligent grey eyes stared back at her.

She fixed her dress suit and opened the single button on her beige blazer, just as there was a single sharp rap on the door and it opened.  
''Right this way-'' Tracie was motioning for a man and a woman to enter the room and Rachel stepped forward to greet them with an outstretched hand and a warm smile.  
Rachel just caught the subtle rise of Tracie's eyebrows as she closed the door behind her.  
She glanced quickly at her two newcomers, and had to bite her tongue.  
She was a professional, but professional or not, she had not been living under a rock for the last couple of years. She was pretty damn sure she had two of the Avengers standing in her office.

''Doctor Reid.'' Captain America, the one and only Captain America was shaking her hand.  
''Hi.'' she all but wheezed, turning to shake the Black Widow's hand.

Her inner fifteen year old fangirl self was doing back flips.

Then a small frown coloured her face.  
''Would you - er - please have a seat?'' she motioned towards the sofa. Steve glanced at Natasha who did not move.

''Doctor Reid, I'm afraid we are not here for an appointment with you.'' Natasha said, holding her hands behind her back.

Rachel's frown deepened visibly.  
''S.H.I.E.L.D would like to offer you a job.'' Natasha clearly wasn't holding back, her blunt approach surprised Steve a little.

Rachel blanched.  
''Excuse me?'' she gasped.  
''You specialise in patients suffering from Alzheimer's and PTSD, S.H.I.E.L.D currently has someone in our care suffering from sever PTSD and a condition that is not dissimilar to Alzheimer's. He is holding some exceptionally important information about a terrorist group. We need him to remember. We need this information.''

''We need you.'' Steve chimed in, giving her a reassuring smile.  
Rachel's head was spinning, she felt a little dizzy, and taking two rather unsteady steps toward the bookshelves, she found her emergency walking stick, reserved for only the most stressful times when she felt as if she would fall down other wise.  
Steve's look was one of slight confusion, but Natasha's was one of understanding. She assumed they would know, after all, didn't S.H.I.E.L.D know just about everything? If they were looking to recruit her, she was pretty sure they would have checked out her medical records.

''I thought S.H.I.E.L.D was gone?'' she managed after a long moment of deep breathing.  
''Not fully, we're rebuilding now, trying to find those who were responsible for compromising S.H.I.E.L.D in the first place.''

Rachel gave a stiff nod.  
''My other patients?'' she asked weakly.  
''Have all been given referrals, and as of seven minutes ago, you e-mailed the head of department requesting some personal time due to ill health.'' Natasha rattled off, and Rachel momentarily was sure she was going to vomit. This. This was too much.

The room was silent for several long moments, while Rachel attempted to gather her thoughts.

''So...'' Steve asked after the silence had become almost unbearable.  
''Do we have an agreement?''

Rachel glanced out of the window. The sun glinted off of the bright surface of the bay.

''What if I don't want to?'' she murmured.  
Steve looked utterly forlorn.  
''Come meet him. If you don't think you can help him, S.H.I.E.L.D will made that letter disappear. Just. Just come see him, he needs help. He needs you.''

Rachel had been chewing her lower lip the entire time.  
''Alright.'' she conceded after another minute. Glancing from Natasha, to Steve and back again.

''Alright fine, I'll take a look, but I'm not making any promises.''


	4. Save Us

**AN : **Taytayfanatical thank you for being the very first reviewer, I hope you keep with us :]  
Here's chapter four, the lyrics in the chapter name are from Catalyst by Linkin Park. It was just a song that screamed Bucky to me.  
Enjoy x

* * *

**Chapter Four :**

_God Bless us everyone,  
We're a broken people living under loaded guns..._

* * *

It hadn't been easy, leaving without spilling the beans to Tracie, who's intuitive nature was for once, unwelcome.  
''Has it gotten that bad again? Why didn't you tell me?'' she demanded as Rachel had slipped on her coat, moments after Captain America and the Black Widow had left her office - on the agreement that she would tell no one, and follow them right away.

''It's gotten pretty bad, look I'll be in touch, something major has just come up and I really need to go.'' Rachel's voice was almost pleading now, as if she was begging her friend to let her go.  
Tracie's eyes fell on the open door, and the several thick books Rachel had hefted into her bag.  
''Is it...'' Tracie licked her lips nervously, ''Something to do with S-''  
''-I have to go.'' Rachel cut her off, her voice oozing a finality that Tracie seldom heard.  
The P.A held up her hands in a defeated manner.  
''Okay, just uh... just call me later okay? Let me know everything is okay.''

''I promise.'' Rachel was already hurrying down the corridor, using her stick as a crutch. She hated bringing the damn thing but she assumed she had just about scratched the surface of what was clearly going to be a very surprising day.  
By the time she had rode the elevator down and hurried out the staff exit, Natasha and Steve were waiting by a rather impressive looking black car.

''Here.'' Steve hurried forward and took her bag. She was grateful, the weight of the books had been making her shoulders ache already and Steve managed to life the bag as if it were filled with nothing but fresh air. He even opened the car door for her, before striding around and folding his exceptionally tall frame into the front seat.

Rachel would later agree with Steve that Natasha Romanov drove like a lunatic. Her skill - though impressive - made for a seat clenching journey.  
The journey last only a few minutes, but Rachel grilled both S.H.I.E.L.D agents intensely.

''So S.H.I.E.L.D wasn't totally wiped out after the shit storm in D.C?'' she leaned forward so that she was positioned almost between the two front seats and could better gauge their expressions.  
''Well you better hope so, otherwise you've just been willingly abducted by a Master of espionage and a super solider.'' Natasha stared into the mirror at Rachel, who winced lightly as they sped through - yet another - red light.

Steve rolled his eyes and gave a single short laugh.  
''Yes and no. Like I said earlier, S.H.I.E.L.D took extensive damage during the HYDRA infiltration. We lost our main base of operations, and we lost a lot of good people.'' he paused then, licking his lips and turning slightly in his seat so he was facing her.

''The Avengers had pretty much disbanded, but Director Fury insisted that S.H.I.E.L.D could not be let die. With a little bit of luck, and friends in high places, S.H.I.E.L.D has landed on it's feet and we're slowly starting to build ourselves back up.'' he motioned for her to look out the front window of the speeding car.

Then she saw it, through the midst of the Manhattan rush hour.  
It towered over almost all of the other buildings. Though she lived in New York, she seldom ventured into Manhattan, and had only seen it on the news.

Stark Tower in all it's glory loomed over them.  
''Here?'' Rachel cocked an eyebrow.  
''Mr Stark has agreed to take on a more direct role in national security. He's also let S.H.I.E.L.D move in with him.'' Steve smiled at her.

Rachel swallowed, her head was spinning and she was really starting to wonder what the heck she was playing at.  
Had she really - only moments ago - abandoned her nice job, in her nice office, with her nice co-workers, and her nice pay-check, and her patients who needed her?

_What was she doing? _

She bubbled with inner turmoil as the car peeled around a narrow bend she almost missed the red brick wall parting smoothly to reveal a tunnel-like driveway, leading them down under the tower itself.  
''Wow.''

''You're not in Kansas and more Dorothy.'' Natasha said softly then turned to Steve.  
''That's-''  
''The Wizard of Oz I know.'' Steve cocked an eyebrow, and looked a little smug.

Rachel on the other hand was teetering dangerously over the edge of having a panic attack. Her right hand trembled with such ferocity that her whole arm shook lightly.

Down and down they went. The orange lights of the tunnel lighting each of their faces in an eerie light.  
The tight tunnel veered to the left and opened into an immense underground garage of sorts.  
The bright florescent lights hurt Rachel's eyes as they emerged from the dim tunnel, and she squinted and blinked several times, waiting for her eyes to adjust.

The car tyres squealed as Natasha stepped on the accelerator and slid the car neatly between a shiny BMW and an intimidating looking, blacked out SUV that was far larger than any other Rachel had ever seen.

Steve had leapt out and opened her door for her before she even managed to get her seatbelt off, and Rachel couldn't help but blush. It was impossible not to. Steve was exceptionally good-natured, he was - in her opinion - a real life Prince Charming. She wondered briefly why he hadn't been snatched up to work in the movie business. She was pretty sure his chiselled jaw alone would have people flocking to the cinema in their droves.

When she realised she was staring, her blush deepened and she scrambled to get out of the car.

Rachel followed Natasha and Steve a short distance to a shining glass elevator. When they entered and turned to face the garage they had just left. Rachel gasped aloud at the sheer size of the garage. Perfect cars, vintage and new were sitting undisturbed in neat rows, one after the other.  
As the doors closed Natasha placed the palm of her hand on a screen that appeared to be built into the walls of the glass elevator.

''Romanov. Natasha.'' she spoke her name loud and clear.

''Good morning Agent Romanov. Which floor shall I take you to?'' a voice with a wonderfully lilting British accent filled the small elevator.  
''Forty-fifth. Bio and Medical Jarvis.'' Natasha had removed her hand and was eyeing her nails carefully.  
''Of course.'' the voice spoke again, and Rachel looked around as the elevator began it's smooth accent, wondering where the voice was coming from. There were no speakers that she could see.  
Then again this was Stark Tower. Every inch created by Iron Man. If he could engineer a suit of such power and advanced technology, surely hiding a sound system was child's play.

''So...'' she said, more to break the awkward silence that had fallen on them suddenly.

''Who is he?''

''Who Jarvis? He's like Tony's home computing system. He can tell you everything about anything.'' Natasha said without breaking her gaze from her perfectly manicured nails.

''Erm, no. This guy in S.H.I.E.L.D's care. The patient?'' she looked from Steve to Natasha, her eyes narrowing when she saw guilt colouring Steve's bright eyes.

_Either he's hurt him, or knows him, or both. There's a connection._

Years of working in Psychiatry and people watching had taught Rachel a couple of things about reading body language and cues. Natasha was almost indecipherable, but Steve, well he was the closest thing she had seen to an open book.

''His name is Sergeant James Barnes.'' Steve trailed off for a moment. ''Bucky. We called him Bucky growing up. I kne- I know him. We grew up together-'' Steve was cut off as the elevator slowed and the glass doors opened, Natasha stepped out without waiting for the others and Rachel stayed at Steve's side as they made their way into a warmly lit corridor.  
''Bucky was drafted before I became this - he gestured at himself, and Rachel nodded for him to continue as they walked down the corridor, passing door after door until they reached the end.  
Natasha slipped into a room and shut the door after her, and Rachel wasn't sure if she had done something to offend her, or she was just giving Steve some privacy.

They stopped outside the same door and Steve leaned up against the wall, towering over her.

''He and his division - the 107th - were captured behind enemy lines.'' Steve's eyes were full of pain and regret. ''They experimented on him, I don't know for sure what HYDRA did to him, but we made it out, and started hunting them down.'' he fidgeting now, and Rachel wondered at the fact that she was actually seeing Captain America fidget.

When he spoke again his voice was a little hoarse. ''Bucky fell. He fell from a train, I was sure he died. How could he have possibly survived? I didn't know then that whatever Zola did to him, it made him stronger. He did survive, but no one knew.''  
Steve opened the door then, and motioned for Rachel to step inside.

It was a very small room, mostly taken over by an expansive window. There was a narrow armoured door beside the window and two - very large and very armed guards were standing either side of it.

Momentarily forgetting Steve's heart wrenching story, Rachel stepped up to the window. Her mouth was open in a mixture of shock and horror and she found herself rendered speechless.

The room on the other side of the window was stark and white. Medical machines littered the floor, but in the centre of the room, at an almost upright angle was a bed, and heavily strapped to that bed was a man.

A man with a metal arm and dark hair that covered almost all of his head as it hung limp. His clothes were torn and Rachel could make out bruising and lacerations on almost all of the skin exposed.

''Hydra found Bucky after he fell.'' Steve's voice lowered to a whisper now as he stood behind Rachel.  
''They found him and brainwashed him. They turned him into this.''  
Rachel had seen this man before - on the news channel when the battle had raged in D.C. She had seen the live footage of Captain America fight him on the freeways of D.C. This man was deadly, he was dangerous.

He was broken.

Her heart convulsed as she gazed at him.

All of her previous doubts vanished. The man before her was a war hero, who had been manipulated and used by higher powers as little more than a pawn.

''I'll do it.'' her voice was so quiet she wondered at how Steve even heard her, but he placed a warm hand on her shoulder.

''I'll do it.'' she repeated loudly. ''I'll do everything I can to help him.'' her voice was stronger now, and full of conviction.

It was just then, as if she had materialised from thin air, that Natasha appeared, holding three large files in her hand and holding them out for Rachel to take.

Rachel didn't open them, she would save that for later, when she would have time to study them properly.  
''Anything you need, anything at all, it's yours.'' Steve's voice was so full of gratitude, that it made Rachel all the happier she was agreeing to help.

Her eyes soon fell back upon Sergeant Barnes however, and she picked over her options for several long minutes.

''Look there isn't a lot I can do today without getting to grips with his case. So- '' she held up the folders - ''I'll need to study these.'' then she paused an blushed a little. ''It might not be a bad idea for you and I to talk a little more. Anything you can tell me about him could be useful.''

Steve nodded quickly, ''Of course.''  
''We can set you up with an office here.'' Natasha motioned to the door.  
''I'd rather do it at my house - just for today, just to get my head around everything if that's okay?''

Under other circumstances she wouldn't have had a problem staying, but a small voice in the back of her head reminded her that in less than an hour she would need her medication and she did not have any with her. She kept one stash in her office and the other at home, but she preferred not to carry them around with her.

Natasha pursed her lips, but shrugged all the same.  
Steve glanced from Bucky to Rachel and then nodded slowly.  
''I'll take you to your house. We can talk there, then you can study the files and we'll collect you tomorrow morning?'' he asked.

Rachel cast one final look at her new patient, taking in everything she could.  
''Sounds good.'' she nodded, and tucked the files under her arm as Steve led her to the door.


	5. Demons

**AN : **Beautiful reviewers, favouriters - that's totally not a word but it will do! - _Thank you_ so very much for checking out my humble fic. I'm really sorry this chapter has taken so long to post, buuuut I'm going to Spain next week for my friends wedding and between work and trying to get my shit together for the wedding I've just been so crazy lately. I'm planning on getting as many chapters done before I go as possible because I'm not bringing my laptop and so I won't be posting anything over there.  
I know that this is taking a while to get into the heavy story lines, but I assure you it's coming, I just feel that to make it a fully realised fic it needs to be fleshed out and I don't want to jump the gun. There are too many fics that totally bypass the story line just for fluff and lemons - not that there is aaannnyything wrong with fluff or lemons, but I need more when I'm writing. So enough of my nattering, here's chapter five - lyrics used are from **Demons by Imagine Dragons. **

* * *

**Chapter Five :**

_Don't Get Too Close_  
_It's Dark Inside_  
_It's Where My Demons Hide_

* * *

Steve's driving did not make Rachel feel as if death was just a car crash away.  
He was an exceptionally easy person to be around, given the fact that he was for all intents and purposes, a national treasure.  
He made a lot of small talk, but it didn't seem forced. The black SUV rumbled in the mid-day traffic of New York.  
They were about 20 minutes into their journey when Rachel's phone started buzzing.  
She groaned when the caller ID showed it was her mother.  
She silenced it, but when it started to ring almost immediately afterwards she opted for a quick text message.

**Can't talk. In meeting. I'll call you later. x**

She had barely pressed send, when a message popped up.  
"Oh my _god._" She hissed beneath her breath.  
"Everything okay?" Steve glanced sidelong at her.

Rachel flushed and apologised, "My mom." She muttered by way of explanation.

She swiped the screen and opened the message.

**CALLED WORK. TRACIE SAID U GONE HOME SICK. ALL OKAY?**

Rachel stifled a laugh, her mother always text in capitals for some reason, though Rachel continuously changed the settings on her phone.

She glanced at Steve, ''I'm sorry, I'll have to call her. She worries.'' she shrugged apologetically.

Steve smiled, ''Go ahead. Mom's will be mom's right?''

She answered on the first ring.  
''Rach? What's going on? Are you okay? Did you see Doctor Folan? I knew you weren't looking after yourself well enough!''

Eliza's voice was several octaves higher than normal, so high in fact that Rachel held the phone a little away from her ear. Her accent always reverting slightly when she was upset and Rachel could hear the Dutch undertones stirring, and wondered how much more it would take before her mother reverted entirely to her mother tongue.

''Mom, _mom stop it.'' _Rachel snapped, feeling embarrassed that her mother was wigging out very loudly on the phone and she was sitting next to Captain America.

''Mom I can't talk right now. I'm fine, I'm just taking some personal time.'' Rachel said sternly.

''Ach mijn liefde-'' there it was, her mother was so upset that she couldn't string an English sentence together.  
It never ceased to amaze Rachel, who had been born and raised in Washington, that her Dutch born mother's accent was all but undetectable, yet stress brought it out in her - sometimes in a major way.

In her youth Rachel had been able to speak both Dutch and a little German - her late father was originally from a small village outside of Hamburg.

''Mom. I have to go, I will contact you when I can.'' she hung up, feeling guilty as a stream of Dutch profanities was cut off.

''Sorry.'' she didn't look at Steve. Her face burned with the sheer mortification of her overbearing mother.

Steve looked as though he was attempting to with hold a laugh, ''It's fine, honestly.'' he paused, then glanced out of the window.  
''Buuuuut - you're gonna have to help me out here, I have zero idea where I'm going.''

Rachel glanced up, checking the street signs.  
''Left here.''

Steve followed her directions carefully and in what felt like no time at all Rachel pointed over Steve's shoulder and said, ''This is me.''

* * *

''No, no more sedatives. I want him bright and alert when Dr Reid gets back.'' a heavy, stern male voice roused the solider.  
''Yes Sir.'' the second voice was meek.

The third voice caught the solider's attention.  
''What makes you so sure she'll come back?'' a low, feminine voice that he had heard before.

''She is a Doctor first and foremost. She cares about others, I don't think she could bare to leave our solider here without at least trying.'' it was the man speaking again.

The solider tried to focus on the sound, his eyes were to heavy to open, pain thrummed outwards from his very core.  
The only thing he could do was groan lightly.

The room around him went silent.  
''Lets take this outside.'' it was the woman again.

_Who is she? _he thought on it as hard as he could, straining to think of where he had heard that voice before.

* * *

''Lets take this outside.'' Natasha motioned to Director Fury as the solider stirred.

The medic had left already, scurrying out from under the Director's intense glare.

Fury nodded and led the way.  
Natasha paused for a second, then turned to follow the Director out of the heavy steel plated door.

''_Na_-_Natalia...''_

Natasha froze, the hairs on the back of her neck were standing to attention.  
Only she wasn't the only one. Fury's hand was on the door, he turned to look over his shoulder, appraising Natasha.

''Are you ready for the past to catch up with you?'' Fury cocked an eyebrow.  
Natasha refused to look at him. Instead she strode past Fury, without another word or glance.

Fury stared after her. He shook his head lightly, glanced at the stirring solider.  
Things were about to get pretty damn interesting.

* * *

Captain America was sitting on her sofa. Drinking her coffee, stroking her cat and getting drooled on by her Labrador.  
Rachel was sitting on the leather armchair across from him.

The sun was setting, they had been talking for hours. Steve had decided to stay and help her look through the solider's file.

Rachel had thrown a tray of pasta bake together as Steve talked about his friend.  
They ate in an amicable silence, and had retired to the living room. She like Steve. She liked Steve a whole pile, he was

''So you've known him pretty much all your life?'' she asked Steve, rising and moving - a little stiffly - to the kitchen.

''Pretty much.'' Steve nodded and placed his now empty mug on the coffee table.  
He sat back into the couch, watching her move through slightly narrowed eyes. He watched her pull a bottle of pills down and spill two onto her hand.

She knocked them back and took a gulp of water straight from the tap, swallowing hard.  
Rachel wiped her mouth and sighed, making her way back towards Steve.  
She paused when he cocked an eyebrow, and she chewed her lip.

''They haven't told you about me?'' she asked, the subject heading towards that dreaded place. Where sympathetic glances and constant queries after her health.  
It had been endearing in the beginning, having so many people concerned for her. But soon the glitz and the glamour of a long term, and almost certainly terminal diagnosis had whittled away at her list of friends. Some were simply not able to put on a brave face and watch someone they loved deteriorate in such a manner. Either way, Rachel had found a new lease of life in her work. Her joy came from her patients and their faith and trust in her. They did not know she was of ill health. To them she was the cheery, nurturing ear and source of carefully considered advice.

''I glanced at your file briefly this morning, about twenty minutes before I walked into your office.'' Steve's smile was almost apologetic.  
Now Rachel cocked a brow, ''S.H.I.E.L.D had a file on me?'' she scoffed, ''Sheesh I better stop downloading the new season of True Blood, I'll be locked up.''

When Steve didn't break a smile, Rachel sighed.  
''I was born like this. They aren't really sure what it is exactly. Their best guess is Parkinsons. That's what they're treating me for.''

''Parkinsons?'' Steve repeated, frowning a little.  
''Uhh...'' Rachel tried to think of the simplest way of explaining it. ''It's like... okay, my brain is missing this chemical, and basically it's messing with my nervous system. I get stiff and sore a lot. My hand - '' she held it out by means of showing him. ''It tremors most of the time.''  
''It's a progressive disease, it's terminal eventually, but there's some differences in my case. Whatever I've got it destroying me from the inside out. Nice and slow. My muscles will eventually deteriorate. They can't give me a time frame since they don't know what it is, but it will kill me.''

Steve's frown deepened, ''You don't sound too upset about that.''  
Rachel shrugged, and reached down to scratch Allie's ear as the labrador came to sit at her feet.  
''We're all going to die eventually Steve. At least I know what's going to kill me. I just don't know when.'' Rachel's voice was a little hollow, a cold glaze had fallen across her pale grey eyes and Steve could see she was eager for a change of subject, and so he asked her the question he had been sitting on all day.

''How long do you think it will take - I mean with Bucky? We talking days? Weeks?'' his eyes were so hopeful.

''I can't answer that.'' Rachel stared at her bare feet, pale against the wooden floor. ''I mean, I'd love to be able to answer you, but that's not up to me. I'll have to see him, talk to him. We don't know what they've done to him, how they manipulated him. I'm going to have to re-do what ever conditioning was used on Sergeant Barnes. I won't have any idea what that was until I speak with him. He may remember nothing of his treatments, but the longer he is away from Hydra, the greater the chance of his brain starting to rewire itself.''

''Is that a possibility?'' Steve asked suddenly.  
''What?'' Rachel tilted her head to one side, and sat nimbly on the arm of the sofa.

''His brain - I mean, his mind. It could start to fix itself?''  
Rachel chewed her words. ''_Yes. _It is a possibility. Our minds are our greatest gift. They are able to cope with extensive traumas. I can't tell you how long it will take, if it will happen or how. Our brain's are incredible, but they're also a little protective. Subconsciously, Sergeant Barnes' mind might know that he's not ready for the influx of information. It could send him into shock, he may not be able to deal with the things he has done, whether or not they were by his own volition.''

Steve gave a slow nod, then he glanced at the clock on the wall.  
The sun had set and he rose slowly. ''I better leave you to it.'' he said, scratching the back of his neck.  
''I can come by tomorrow, maybe I meet him in person, discuss a course of action with S.H.I.E.L.D's medical staff? I'd like to make a general plan after I take a look at him myself.''

Steve nodded more enthusiastically this time, ''Sure, that sounds good. I can come pick you up if you like?''  
''If we say 9:00am?'' Rachel smiled.

* * *

Alone now, with her legs tucked beneath her she read and re-read James Barnes file. It was long and stapled to it was the compilation of information S.H.I.E.L.D had gathered on _The Winter Solider. _She did not however, read the list of murders and other crimes associated with him. Rachel and Steve had spoken at length about it, she was fully aware that he had committed some god awful crimes but she refused to sieve through them just yet.

If and when the time came, she would, but right now she needed to think about how she was going to approach this case.  
She needed several things.  
Firstly, Rachel needed his blood work taken and analysed, she wanted to find out if whatever Hydra had pumped into him was in anyway harmful to his actual health. She also needed to see an MRI for any internal trauma.  
From the bedside locker she napped a small patterned notebook and opened it on her lap.

She made several lists and took some notes of things she might need to reference again.

There was an old picture in the back of the file. It showed Sergeant Barnes with Steve, they were dressed in their uniforms and the camera had caught them mid-laugh.  
It was a beautiful old photo. She examined it carefully for several minutes, noting that were she still able to draw, she would love to draw one if not both of them.

Her disease had taken many things from her. Her ability to drive, any dreams of becoming a surgeon, her friends, but sometimes, when Rachel was alone, her biggest regret was that it had taken her artistic side away.  
Pencil and paper had been the great affair of her youth, but when the shakes settled in it had become harder and harder to draw anything of substance, and the more she tried, the worse it got.

It was 2:00am before she picked up the sheets, files and books that littered her bed now.  
She changed into an over long night shirt and shuffled to the bathroom, tossing a little cold water on her face, she stared at herself in the mirror.

''What are you doing Rach?'' she whispered to no one in particular.  
She shook her head and dried her dripping face, when Rachel was brushing her teeth, she heard paws on the wooden floor in her room and the almost inaudible groan of the mattress as Allie decided she too was ready for bed.  
Spitting into the sink, Rachel double checked the front door was locked and scooped Luna off the couch on her way to her bedroom.

Setting her alarm for 7:30am, Rachel switched off the lights and wiggled her way into bed, somewhere between a snoring Labrador and a purring cat.

Her thoughts were alight with the days happening, and the last thought that crossed her mind before sleep took hold, was the sorrowful image of the man in the white room in S.H.I.E.L.D. She had to help him.

She fell asleep thinking of Sergent Barnes.  
But she dreamt of her father, and the shadow.

* * *

**AN : **So send me your thoughts. Review/Pm or find me on Tumblr - FallenEpiphany . tumblr . com


	6. It's All Uphill From Here

**AN : ** Two chapters in one day. Lucky readers, feel honoured, seriously, I am rarely this devoted to a story, but I've found myself getting drawn further and further into my little story. To any one who is following this story, you have my love. To anyone who is reviewing, you have my immense gratitude for your kind words and encouragement. You have no idea how each of your comments brightens up my world.  
So thank you, and enjoy Chapter Six. **The Lyrics in the title are from Who We Are by Imagine Dragons - **an amazing song that's well worth a listen.  
FallenEpiphany _xxx_

* * *

**Chapter Six : **

****_So won't you save us?_  
_What we are_  
_Don't look clear_  
_Cause it's all uphill from here._

* * *

He had been awake for hours - or so it seemed, but he room was so dark and unchanging, his sense of him was warped. He did not know if it was morning or night, if he was alive or dead or somewhere in between.  
He did not call out, he did not scream for help. He could not move, instead he just lay there, eyes closed in the darkness and in his minds eye, he did his best to recall the last several days.

It was a blur, a cacophony of drugs and pain and confusion. Of voices talking at him or about him, none of them making any sense.  
His head throbbed, so loudly he could feel it in his toes. Nausea washed over him like waves breaking on a shoreline.

He knew he was strapped down, the heavy metal chaffed his right arm, and he could no longer feel his left arm.

It was in the depths of his thoughts that the Solider thought he could hear someone, or something.  
The bright florescent light hummed and flickered to life.

The Solider flinched, his body preparing itself for something that he didn't understand but his brain told him electricity was something to be feared. A memory hit him then, it was like being sucked into a distorted dream.

_''He's been out of cryo for too long.''  
''Then wipe him and start again.''  
_Images flashed before his eyes, too fast to understand but it felt as if someone had placed a missing piece in the puzzle that was his mind._  
_  
The door squealed open and he heard footsteps.

''Can't you dim that light a little? You'll blind him!'' a soft voice that he was certain he had never heard before turned stern, and the Solider squinted around, trying to find the source.  
The light dimmed until it was a soft glow that illuminated the room sufficiently.  
''Turn it up _slowly_, and lets not do that again.'' her voice was light and friendly, yet it held a certain sense of authority.

''Yes M'am.''

In the softened light, the Solider opened his eyes and saw her standing over him for the first time.

* * *

She had very nearly slept in on her first day at S.H.I.E.L.D - fuck you very much Mr Snooze Button.  
Not to mention since she had forgotten to ring her mother back the previous night, she was bombarded by missed called, and texts by the time she left the shower.

Rachel had called her mother, and they had spoken at length, Rachel having put her on loudspeaker as she dressed, took her medication, tidied up her long hair, applied make-up to hide the bags under her eyes and made herself breakfast - well coffee and a sneaky cigarette out the back door.

For very obvious reasons, Rachel did not tell her mother that she had been recruited by S.H.I.E.L.D.

She merely said that she had wanted to take some time off, and was planning on taking a couple weeks vacation. Immediately her mother wanted to come and stay for a week, but Rachel managed to avoid that ticking time bomb by saying she wanted to spend time with friends and get back out and enjoy herself.

Neither were true, Rachel was not overly keen on crowded bars that stank of sweat and desperation, nor did she wish to spend time with her so-called _friends. _Who always wore hang-dog expressions around her, or who had simply dropped her out of their lives as if she were nothing more than a broken toy.

When she eventually managed to say her goodbyes, Rachel heard a soft knock on the door. Glancing at the clock she saw it was 8:56am.  
It was Steve and she motioned for him to come in for a moment while she unlocked the doggy door so both Allie and Luna had the freedom of the backyard while she was gone, and Rachel grabbed her bag and keys.

Once they had arrived at S.H.I.E.L.D Rachel was briefly introduced to a rather intimidating man who introduced himself as Nick Fury, the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.  
They spoke for a couple of minutes and Fury informed her that he had placed her in charge of 'Project Defrost'. When she threw him a questioning look, he cocked an eyebrow, handed her a badge with her picture and I.D number and a small silver key before he leaned in toward Rachel.  
''You're in charge of wading through the mire of Barnes mind and extracting all information regarding Hydra.''

Rachel took a small step back, ''But I'll be treating him right?'' she glanced from Steve to Fury.  
Fury shrugged, ''I'm placing you at the top of the chain where Barnes is concerned, do whatever it takes. Just do it as fast as you can.''  
He walked away after that, and Rachel was left pondering.

She clipped her badge to her chest and looked up at Steve, ''Shall we?'' she asked.  
He introduced her to the team of Doctors that had been looking after Bucky - Steve had insisted she stopped calling him Sergeant Barnes.

There were three who dealt with him directly, and the others were lab technicians. They all seemed pretty nice and none save for the older Doctor, who Rachel assumed had become the undeclared leader of this little band of Medical practitioners. Doctor Geoff Fisher was a tall, well built man who appeared to have hit and surpassed the fifty year mark.  
When Rachel introduced herself and stated in no uncertain terms that she was going to head the treatment of the infamous Winter Solider, Fisher had interjected several times.

He had been irate when Rachel declined his offer to show her their work so far.  
''I'm not disregarding your work.'' she assured him, ''But I want to make my own assessments first.''

He had huffed and grumbled beneath his breath, falling silent only when he caught sight of Steve, whose stern expression would have quelled even the greatest of storms.

It was about then that Rachel was brought to a clean room, she washed her hands thoroughly and found that one of the lockers by the wall had her name on it. Pulling the small key that Fury had given her, Rachel was surprised when it opened the full length locker and she found several sets of pristine blue scrubs, two white lab coats, and among other things a shiny new stethoscope.

She donned on of the white coats and pulled her hair into a pleasantly messy bun, making sure to pull her bangs and fringe down. Throwing the stethoscope around the back of her neck and shutting the locker door with a satisfying snap, she pocketed the key and turned to find herself face to face with the youngest member of her team.

Orla was toying with her chewing gum, but stopped when she saw Rachel looking at her.

''I'm supposed to take you to him when you're ready.''

* * *

He flinched hard when the lights came on, and Rachel made a mental note before lightly scolding Orla - who seemed non-plussed and simply blew a bubble with her gum. Rachel stared at him then, wondering if some part of her should have been afraid. But she wasn't, and maybe that was merely because she was all too aware that Captain America was outside the door, and should something go wrong, he would be her Knight in Shining armour.

She moved toward the man lying prone on the table, until she was standing over him and watched as he struggled to focus his vision.  
His face looked younger up close then she had expected. His stubble was thick and dark and his hair was lank and tangled. There was more than a faint smell of sweat and dirt, and just as Rachel was about to ask Orla if he had seen outside of the four walls of that room since arriving at S.H.I.E.L.D, the Solider's bright eyes focused and found their mark.  
Right on hers.

They stared at each other for several long moments. Taking in every inch of each other.

He noted the healthy shine on her hair and before he could stop himself he wondered absently how it would fell beneath his fingers.  
He saw her lightly tanned skin and counted the few freckles that were scattered across her cheeks and down her neck.

She saw the confusion in his eyes, the man in the photo was still in there but she was having a hard time reconciling herself with that. The shining metal of his arm was altogether disconcerting.

''Good morning.'' Rachel breathed, the smell of spearmint lingering in her words and the Solider's eyes widening, both the sensation of a pleasant smell and the fact that someone was actually speaking to him left him momentarily stunned.

Rachel eyed his reaction carefully, looking for some sign of anger, of the malice and the monster Hydra had created, but saw neither.

She cleared her throat, ''My name is Rachel Reid, I'm a Doctor here - your Doctor. I'd like to help you out. Can you speak?''

The Solider frowned, then nodded once, very slowly.  
''Do you have a name?'' Rachel asked, keeping her voice low.  
The Solider opened his mouth, and she could see the words forming on his lips when Orla - who until then had been standing to one side, watching the exchange with a rather bored expression - blew another bubble with her gum, that popped so loudly it made the Solider jump and grit his teeth as his limbs hit against his metal restraints.

Rachel spun, anger and annoyance coursing though her like wild fire.  
''Goddammit! Are you for real?'' she snarled, and Orla looked a little affronted.

Rachel glanced back at the Solider, whose chest rose and fell in rapid succession as he breathed heavily. She realised with a start that the man before her was terrified.  
''Orla get me a key for these stupid restraints, then go outside and wait with the others - or go to the lab, just be somewhere that isn't here.''

Orla shrugged and turned towards the door, ''There isn't a key, it's key card identification.'' she pointed to a small machine by the bed, a square panel that looked altogether unassuming.  
''You're going to release him?'' Orla asked, her hand on the door.  
''It's likely.'' Rachel said evenly.

''Then I'm locking the door from the outside.''  
Knowing it was her first day, and knowing that Steve needed to see his friend freed from the bed spurred her on.  
''Fine.''

When the door slammed shut behind Orla, and Rachel heard the dead bolt slide into place, she returned her gaze to the Solider, only to find him staring at her with a gaze so intense it made her cheeks burn.  
She cleared her throat and spoke quietly.

''I am going to remove the restraints Captain Barnes. I want you to understand that if you try to use physical force, there are armed guards and a super solider on the other side of that door who will take you down.'' she stared at him for almost two minutes until he nodded and she moved over to the panel.  
Trying to appear as if she had the slightest clue how to use the cursed machine, Rachel was delighted when she found a slot at the side of the machine and she swiped her card through it.

There was a hissing sound, and the metal shackles broke open.

Rachel turned back to face him, and she watched him flex his wrists and ankles.  
''Do you think you can sit up?''  
He didn't answer, instead he rose onto his elbows and slowly sat up.

''Take your time.'' Rachel insisted, and when he gingerly swung his legs over the side of the gurney, she saw his eyes roll and immediately took steps towards him, her hand outstretched to steady him if needs be.  
When he stiffened and leaned away from her touch Rachel stood still.  
''Take your time Sergeant Barnes.'' she repeated, though from appearances, she could have been speaking to the wall for all the Solider was paying attention.  
His boots his the floor and he wavered to his feet, slowly gaining his balance, he looked at her, and Rachel thought she saw the ghost of a smile hidden somewhere on his lips.

''Bucky.''  
Rachel blinked, had he just spoken?

''I'm sorry?'' she whispered.  
''The man, the man on the bridge, he called me Bucky. Am I Bucky?''  
Relief flooded Rachel, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

''Yes Sergeant Barnes. Your name is Bucky, and you've been through a great deal. I'm here to help you and to understand what happened to you.''  
''I-I don't remember.'' his voice was weak from lack of use.  
''That's okay, that's why I'm here. Sergeant Barnes my job is to help you remember.''  
''I want to remember.''  
''You will Sergeant Barnes, I promise you.''

''Bucky.'' his voice was stronger now.  
''Pardon me?''  
''Call me Bucky.''


	7. Win Or Lose

**AN :** So T-minus two days until I'm going on Holidays guys, I've got to work late tonight and early tomorrow morning, buuut maybe, just maybe I'll be able to post another chapter before I head to Spain! I hope you're enjoying it so far, and I do realise that this is going rather slowly, but I don't want to write a fic that just breezes through the seriousness of mental health and the fact that getting help it not easy, the road to recovery is long but with a little help from friends, it.  
_In light of recent events, between the horrors in Ferguson and the death of one of my heroes. This chapter - however small is dedicated to Michael Brown and Robin Williams. Both gone before their time. _

* * *

**Chapter Seven : **

_"You treat a disease, you win, you lose.  
You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win."_

* * *

Steve's heart was in his mouth.  
"C'mon Buck." He breathed, willing his best friend to do no harm to Rachel. Willing him to remember.

Bucky was standing now, on unsteady feet, he looked terrible, and Steve felt a fresh wave of guilt hit him so hard it almost winded him.

"Okay Bucky-" Rachel very slowly extended her hard, watching his wary expression.  
"My name is Rachel, I'm a Doctor here in New York. I work with patients who have gone through a lot, I help them cope and sometimes remember." She tried to put her profession into the simplest terms she could, she didn't want to burn him out, and she gave a small but very genuine smile when he gingerly took her hand and shook it.

"Are you hungry?" Rachel asked, her eyes analysing ever inch of him.  
Bucky frowned, and his eyes seems one hundred miles away, as if he was searching for his own feelings.

"Yes. I think so."  
Rachel nodded, "Can you stay here for one moment? I'll be right back. I'm going to see if someone can't get you something to eat."  
Honesty was genuinely the best policy with patients that had suffered traumas as Bucky had.  
If Rachel was ever going to get close enough to pick apart his brain and get him to let his guard down, Bucky needed to trust in what she said. He also needed to associate pleasant experiences with Rachel.  
Therefore she would start bringing him things instead of having others do it. She would have someone get food, but she would bring it to him herself.

As soon as she mentioned leaving, she saw the panic flood his eyes.  
His mouth opened and closed as if he couldn't find the words he was searching for.  
"I'll just be outside the door, trust me I'll be right back." Rachel promised, his expression of utter confusion was heartbreaking.  
Bucky nodded once, still staring at her, as if he was fighting with himself not to beg her to stay.

"Rachel!" Steve almost pulled her out of the room.  
"He's talking! He's talking to you! He remembered me! I'm the man on the bridge! I knew he was in there somewhere!"  
Rachel smiled briefly, but she was watching him through the one way mirror.  
"I need someone to get food for him - something easy on his stomach. Dry toast maybe? Some water too, and he's going to need a bath or a shower at some stage, and fresh clothes."

Steve had relayed her requests to Orla almost as quickly as Rachel had said them.  
"I'm going to stay with him, when the food comes have someone knock on the door once, I'll come get it."

She was at the door again when Steve grabbed her hand.  
"Thank you." He said, almost breathless with sheer delight.  
Rachel blinked.  
"I haven't done anything yet. That's all him." She assured him.

"Hey Bucky." Rachel shut the door behind her and heard the lock turn.  
"Are you feeling okay?"  
She was very much aware of his eyes on her, bright and intelligent but filled to the brim with confusion and mistrust.  
He nodded again, slightly wary.  
"Your food will be here soon." Rachel promised, then ran her tongue along her bottom lip before adding.  
"Would you like to bathe afterwards? Take a shower or a bath? Might be nice to have a full stomach and feel a little fresher."

Bucky considered her carefully, and Rachel wondered if she hadn't overstepped her mark too soon.  
He lifted his metal arm and Rachel tried not to stare. Bucky ran the shiny fingers across the thick stubble. ''I would like that.'' his voice was a little less hollow when he spoke this time.  
Rachel smiled understandingly, ''I'll see if I can get you a razor too.''

Bucky's hand fell away from his face, and as Rachel watched him, it was like a dark cloud had fallen upon him.

''Why are you doing this?'' he hissed, his shoulders rounding defensively. He was so weak and dehydrated that Rachel was pretty sure he would not be able to move too fast. However Bucky was a good deal heavier, and if that metal arm caught her - well she did not want to see what it could do.

''I'm a _Doctor_ Bucky. This is my job.'' Rachel tried to stay light and warm, but his stance alone made her shudder involuntarily.  
He asked her something then, of at least she thought it was a question, for she did not understand the coarse language in which he spoke.

''I don't understand Bucky, can you say it in English?'' Rachel asked softly, as the hairs on the back of her neck stood up.  
Bucky stepped towards her, his bright eyes, darker than ever.  
She glanced at the mirror, knowing Steve was on the other side and that he was more than likely about to bust though that reinforced door if Bucky took another step.  
She exhaled softly, and help up her index finger towards the window, telling Steve to giver her a minute.  
Rachel could fix this, she could help him.

Bucky took another step forward, so there was not much space left between them.  
Rachel took her chance, she slowly brought the hand that had been ordering Steve to wait, and rested it gingerly on Bucky's shoulder.

The next several things happened very fast.  
Firstly, she realised it had been an exceptionally bad idea to touch Bucky.

Secondly, she was now very aware that the floor could do with a scrub - it was amazing what one could see with ones face firmly pressed into the ground.

Thirdly, she was pretty sure she had shrieked like a banshee, but Bucky had twisted her arm and swiped her legs from underneath her.  
Lastly, she heard the door swing open and felt Bucky's weight leave her.

She heard the click and shouted, ''No! No stop it!'' she lurched to her feet, determined to fix this situation.  
Steve was standing with the two armed guards flanking him, and Bucky - Rachel looked over her shoulder.  
Bucky was sitting in the corner of the room, curled up with his hands over his ears.

''It's fine!'' Rachel exclaimed, ''It was my fault. Please-'' she looked at Bucky again, and she swore she heard a small whimper. Rachel stepped towards Steve, ''Let me try again, please.''

Steve's bright eyes were awash with a heavy mix of emotions, ''Are you okay?'' he asked, tight lipped.  
''Never better.'' Rachel forced a smile, and ushered them out, ''Stay by the door, but let me try again.''

A muscle in Steve's jaw jumped, as though leaving Rachel in the room alone was going against his better judgement, but he wordlessly turned on his heel and strode back through the door.  
The guards followed and when the door snapped shut Rachel was once again, alone with The Winter Solider.

''Bucky?'' her voice was only a little above a whisper.  
Now that her heart had stopped beating so loudly that it had drown out all other sound, Rachel could hear the faintest of murmurings.

''The end of the line. The end of the line. The end of the line.'' Bucky's head was in his hands and Rachel frowned.

In the other room, Steve Rodger's heart was breaking.

''Bucky?'' Rachel said, a little louder this time, but keeping her voice as soft as she could.  
''End of th-'' he paused mid chant and looked up over the tips of his fingers. His eyes were red. _He was crying._

''I'm sorry. I didn't - I couldn't - I -'' his voice was broken.  
''It's okay - hey _it's okay.'' _Rachel assured him, and she spun on the spot.  
''Look - I'm fine.''

She gingerly stepped towards him, her hand extended just a little.  
''C'mon Bucky, please don't stay down there. ''

There was a mild sense of triumph as she felt the cool metal of Bucky's prosthetic grasp her hand and he stood.

In the other room, Steve gave a small huff of relief. Behind him the door opened.  
''Captain Rodgers?'' It was Orla, and in her hands lay a wooden tray with several slices of dry, buttered toast and a large plastic bottle of water.

Rachel had led Bucky had to the bed and he was sitting on the edge when there was a single soft knock on the door, Bucky jumped and his grip on her hand tightened something fierce.  
''It's just your food, can I go get it for you?''  
''Food?''  
''Yeah, remember? you said you were hungry?'' Rachel tilted her head to one side.

''Food and a shower and a shave right?'' Bucky looked up at her questioningly.  
''That's right.'' Rachel smiled encouragingly, glad he came to it on his own.

''Okay.'' Bucky dropped her hand, and wiped his nose with the back of it, looking remarkably like a child post scolding.  
''I'll be right back.''

* * *

When Rachel emerged in the other room, Nick Fury and Natasha were standing there.  
''So he hasn't killed you yet.'' Natasha stated, her voice a little bored as she glared in at Bucky.

''Not yet.'' Rachel gave a small smile and she took the tray off Orla.  
''He can't stay in there.'' she was speaking directly to Fury now, who looked at her with a raised eyebrow. ''That room is not conducive to healing Director. He needs somewhere he can relax - and I'm not saying he is not a risk, he is a risk to all of us, and to himself. But he can't stay in there, it's little better than a lab.''

''I think I can find somewhere for him.'' Rachel turned and almost dropped the tray.

None other than Iron Man, Tony freakin Stark was standing in the door way. Looking smug and suave in his light beige suit and shades - even though the room was far from bright.  
''What up Doc.'' Tony peered at her over the rim of his shades and winked.  
''Hi..'' Rachel breathed.

Fury nodded stiffly, ''Just make sure it's secure Stark.'' he grumbled, and made to leave, Natasha at his heels.  
''Of course Nikki, don't you worry.'' Tony patted him a little over zealously on the back as he passed.  
Tony stepped into the room, removing the shades and peering in through the window.  
''So you've got him speaking English? The rest of them have only been able to get Russian or German out of him.'' Tony looked mildly impressed. Then he turned to look at her, ''A level down, there's a room with it's own bathroom. It's a little bit more comfortable than here, and it's pretty secure - Banner has stayed there a couple of times. We'll post a couple of guards outside the door, it should be okay.''

Rachel nodded, ''Sounds good, I can bring him here for tests but I don't think anyone should have to live in a lab.''

''How do we get him down?'' Steve asked quietly.  
''You me and the Doc will take him down, since he seems to have taken to her. I've got some stuff in the lab upstairs, cuffs that should hold them - same as we used for Thor's bastard little brother.''

Steve nodded in agreement, ''That should do.''

Tony clapped his hands together, ''Great. Doc - you feed your patient and Cap and I will go suit up.''

* * *

''Food is here.'' Rachel smiled, the guards at the door shutting it behind her.  
Bucky watched her set the tray down beside him on the gurney.

It took him a long minute, of staring, sniffing and considering before he did eventually take a bite Rachel found that the toast was disappearing rather rapidly.  
''Slow down a little, you'll give yourself a stomach ache.'' Rachel couldn't help but smile, he was eating and talking.  
_And he's only tried to kick your ass once since you met him - which was about thirty minutes ago. _A small, rather annoyed voice in the back of her mind told her.

Bucky looked a little embarrassed and began to slowly chew it food. Rachel made a mental note of his emotions, since she had arrived, she had seen uncertainty, anger, confusion, fear, a touch of humour and now she was seeing embarrassment. She was glad, some of the patients she had treated with PTSD had retreated so far into themselves that they were unable to show any form of emotion. While Bucky seemingly had many hurdles ahead, but at least she had found a solid foundation on which they could build.

Rachel opened the water bottle and handed it to him, when he was taking a drink, Rachel shuffled a little closer, and to him, her legs still trembled slightly, and her arm hurt. It shook lightly, though she tried to hide it. To her immense sunrise, Bucky sidled up the bed, and looked at her expectantly. He was making room for her.  
Gingerly Rachel sat beside him, feeling that if this was all she could accomplish today, surely it was something.

When he had finished eating and downed the entire bottle of water, Rachel turned to look at him.  
''I would like to move you to another room today Bucky. Do you think that would be okay? It's bigger, and more comfortable, and you would have your own bathroom.''

''Is it far away?'' Bucky murmured, without meeting her gaze.  
''No, only a little, but we will have to walk.'' Rachel chewed her tongue for a minute.  
''I'm going to have some people help me bring you. Will that be okay? The man on the bridge - Steve and Tony, they are going to help me - just in case, in case...''  
''In case I hurt you again.'' Bucky said, his voice a little hollow.

''That's not your fault.'' Rachel said sternly. When he didn't answer, she repeated herself.  
''Bucky look at me.'' and when he eventually brought his eyes up to meet hers. ''Listen very carefully Bucky - none of this is your fault. Hydra did this to you, made you confused and lose your memory, but if you can just trust me, I promise you I can help you.''

Bucky's eyes were bright and brimming in uncertainty.  
''Do you trust me Bucky?'' Rachel asked as there was a knock on the door, and it opened before Rachel could tell them to wait.

Bucky levelled her with a gaze so intense it made her blush.  
''I trust you.''


	8. Guts Over Fear

**AN : **So I'm back, I hope everyone is doing well. I landed back Saturday night after an exceptionally hectic ten days. I also arrived back to find that my Labrador - Ally - the very same as the one in this story had passed away. We bred Ally ourselves and her mum was my first ever dog. I've known Ally since the moment she took her first breath on this earth, and my heart is broken after 13 years as partners in crime.

The Lyrics used are an exert from **Guts Over Fear by Eminem featuring Sia **

* * *

**Chapter Eight :**

_I was a... _  
_Afraid to make a single sound,_  
_Afraid I would never find a way out, _  
_Afraid I'd never be found._

* * *

Bucky's apparent trust in Rachel had been put to the test when Iron Man and Captain America walked in unannounced.

Steve had not worn his head gear, and Tony had the face of the suit lifted - both - Rachel assumed - to give an air of transparency, so as not to freak Bucky  
out entirely.  
Rachel scrutinized Bucky's facial expression, he drank Steve in, his eyes taking in every inch of his one time best friend. Rachel longed to know Bucky's thoughts in that moment, what was he thinking off? It was a hazard - working as a therapist, those times before she knew her patients well, when the inner most workings of their mind still eluded her.

Steve's smile in return was careful, he was somewhat easier to read than Bucky, she took Steve at face value, and he always wore his heart on his sleeve. Though behind that careful smile, Rachel could see the emotions and regret behind it.

He gave a small nod to Bucky, who turned to stare at Rachel - saw her look of encouragement - and gave Steve a small nod in return.

When Tony produced heavy cuffs that would seemingly encase Bucky from the elbow down, the Winter Solider's jaw tightened.

Rachel saw his nostrils flare and she moved into his eye line.

''Trust me right? I'm right here with you, I won't go any where, and I promise they won't hurt you. This is just a precaution okay?''

Bucky gave a small jerky nod, but it was a moment before he gave her a verbal cue. ''Okay.''

Steve took the cuffs from Tony, though they seemed impossibly heavy, the Super Solider carried them with no problem.

''Hold your arms out Bucky.'' Rachel held hers out in show, and Steve moved forward slowly, his eyes drinking in the sight of his long lost friend. Rachel supposed this was going to be an exceptionally emotional journey for the Captain, and mentally, she made a note that she would watch his progress, and possibly suggest that he sit and talk with her from time to time.

Bucky stared uneasily at Steve, but he complied and copied Rachel's movements.

When the cuffs snapped shut with a loud clank about his arms, Bucky jumped and Rachel saw his muscles contract.

''You okay?'' she asked quickly, and Bucky gave a stiff nod, seemingly unable to speak, Rachel saw that his pupils had dilated - so much so that his bright eyes were almost entirely black.

''It won't take long.'' Rachel looked meaningfully at Tony, who cocked an eyebrow as the face of the suit snapped shut.

''Corridors are secure. We shouldn't bump into any trouble.'' His voice sounded a little distorted as he spoke through the helmet, but he turned and began to lead the way.

''Can I walk with you Bucky?'' Rachel offered, motioning after Tony.

''Fine.'' Bucky's voice was hoarse, but firm, and he took a bracing step forward, following Tony as Rachel fell into step at his side and Steve followed them wordlessly.

The corridors were in fact clear, though several arms guards seemingly materialised from thin air and had joined them in their stroll.

Bucky stared at the floor as he moved, and Rachel worried for him, she longed to know what was going through his head.

As they moved down the empty halls, her mind was drawn back to a time when she was younger, when her studies had been her life and for her finale year of college, she had written her thesis on the human mind. On it's innermost workings, and how she believed that when the time was right, and funding sufficient - it would be possible to transmit brainwaves in the same manner as a radio or a television transmission.

Of course, she had been but a college student, and while the Professors had been thoroughly impressed at her logic and reasoning and the first several outlines of a plan, none of them had even attempted to secure her any kind of funding, for they knew she would be laughed from the medical circle. She had attempted to secure it herself several times, even writing to none other than Tony Stark at one point, but no one wanted her plans.

Rachel looked at Tony, and she wondered if she couldn't press him for his - and S.H.I.E.L.D's co-operation now, now that she was established and that she was in fact working for them. She briefly considered using Bucky's case as weight, but she immediately felt guilty for thinking of it.

Rachel reasoned that to complete it would be the single greatest breakthrough in neuroscience and medicine. Through the machine they would be able to communicate with patients that were unconscious, or in a coma. Patients suffering from PTSD, dementia, alzheimer's or any other mental illness would benefit greatly from it.

Rachel's eyes fell on Bucky once more, his lost eyes, shuffling walk, and permanently pursed lips tugged at her heart strings. She had never met a full grown man that could look like a lost little boy the way he did.

None of them spoke, even when all crammed into the elevator together, though Rachel noted Bucky remained as her shadow at all times, in the tight space she found him standing so close that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

The corridor they found themselves in was distinctly brighter and more cheerful than the last, though every bit as deserted.

''Just here - that'll be all for now boys, you can wait outside the door.'' Tony stopped and opened a large wooded door, before motioning for the guards to remain outside.

Rachel followed Tony, and led Bucky and Steve in.

The room was a great deal bigger than the one they had come from. It was lighter, and smelled better.

Steve shut the door behind them, but Bucky was too busy gazing around him to jump at the sound.

It was a little like an upmarket hotel room, but Rachel knew Bucky had probably stayed anywhere as nice. Tony gave him the 'grand tour' - causing Rachel and Steve to roll their eyes.

But Rachel was impressed, it was perfect.

Large enough to hold a functioning bathroom, a large single bed, a soft grey couch, a small fridge, a stereo, a very small flatscreen TV and an enormous bay widow allowing them a spectacular view of the city.

''Now - '' Tony removed the Iron Man helmet.

''Because we've got a window here and he's a highly skilled assassin S.H.I.E.L.D is going to have to chip him.'' he said quietly, motioning from the window to Bucky, who was transfixed with the sight and seemed not to have heard Tony at all.

''What?'' Rachel hissed, and she saw Bucky's attention snap back to her at the tone of her voice.

''Chip him? He isn't some stray dog.'' she growled low, rounding on Tony and clutching her walking stick for support. She really needed to take her meds but was unwilling to show her weakness just yet.

Tony held up a hand of surrender. ''It isn't my call Doc. This is coming from the higher ups, they want him chipped. It took us long enough to find him after the fiasco in Washington.''  
Steve had remained silent, and Rachel wondered if he had known all along. She stared at him for support but he refused to meet her gaze.  
''What is a chip?'' Bucky murmured from Rachel's side.

Tearing her scowl from Steve, Rachel turned to her charge, to find him - wide eyed and curious - unsure why she seemed so tense.  
''It's something to track you, to monitor you - make sure S.H.I.E.L.D always knows where you are.'' Rachel explained, her fingers flexing around the handle of her walking stick.

Bucky's confusion did not dissipate, ''That sounds - '' he seemed to struggle for the words. ''- acceptable.''  
''It's...'' - Rachel was at a loss for words - ''I mean, yes, it will be easier to make sure you're where you're supposed to be, but I -'' she was cut off just as she was about to fight for the ethics of the situation. She of course understood that Bucky was a danger. But chipping him like a stray dog was raising her hackles.

''My orders are to chip him _now_.'' a new voice sounded from behind her and Rachel saw Bucky look over her shoulder towards the sound and then shrink away.

_He's nervous._ Rachel was baffled by the sight and she turned quickly to find herself face to face with Doctor Fisher.

''Excuse me?'' Rachel rounded on him, her leg threatening to give way beneath her but she ignored it, her eyes narrowed, why was Bucky afraid of him. _What has he done?_

''You heard me. If he escapes and we are unable to find him, HYDRA will snap him up in an instant, and our last hope of stopping them disappears with Sgt. Barnes. Therefore we will have him chipped, the room with be monitored at all times and there will be guards stationed outside at all times.'' Fisher threw Rachel a sickening smile and she had to wonder if this was not some horrid means of revenge because Rachel's arrival had somewhat resulted in his work being discarded.

Before she could say anything, Fisher summoned two guards from outside to come in.  
''Restrain him.'' Fisher commanded, and the guards moved forward in complete synchronization their massive guns trained on Bucky.

''On your knees. Now.'' The Guards shouted, and confused, Bucky complied quickly, blinking – his bright eyes which had been so full of glee and wonder only moments ago were now confused and nervous.  
''Hey take it easy.'' Steve cautioned the guards as one of them shoved Bucky roughly, so he fell forward only all fours, his arms still restrained.

With the rifles trained on him, Fisher stepped forward, grasping a fist full of Bucky's dark hair, he pushed his head down to that the back of his neck was exposed.  
It happened so fast that Rachel jumped, the force and the unnecessary brutality with which Fisher drew a short, sharp, but rather thick needle from his coat pocket and jabbed it into the nape of Bucky's neck, causing the Winter Solider to yelp like a beaten dog, made Rachel cry out in anger and revulsion.

She rushed forward, expletives flying from her mouth, freezing only when the guns which had been trained on Bucky only seconds ago, were now zeroed in on her.  
''Enough.'' Steve shouted. ''Stand down. Now!'' He commanded in such a voice that none dared disobey.

The guards did so, but glanced first at each other, and then to Steve before lowering their weapons.  
''Are you done?'' Steve snarled at Fisher, who was doing his best to hide a smirk of satisfaction from all of them, he merely nodded and Steve's eyes narrowed.

''Get out. _Now_.''  
They complied with gusto and Rachel forgot herself and dropped her stick, scurrying to Bucky's side, she gingerly helped him to his feet, realising only when he was standing that her hands were around his waist.

As soon as she was certain he could stand without her help, she moved aside, looking at him carefully.  
''Are you alright?''

Bucky refused to meet her eyes, and Rachel swore internally. _Fuck you Fisher._ She thought, his barging in had done nothing to lend to Bucky trusting her, and why hadn't Steve intervened? Why just let them pin him down and hurt him like a wild animal?

''Bucky? – Can one of you get these_ damn cuffs_ off of him – Bucky can I see it? I just want to make sure it's alright?'' she pleaded with him, pausing only to ask one of them to remove his cuffs.  
Bucky did not answer, so Rachel took his silence as neither consent or refusal of treatment.

As Tony moved forward and began to free Bucky, Rachel moved around so she was standing behind him. Gently, she moved his lank dark hair to one side and she saw the entry point. It was already beginning to bruise, and a small line of blood trickled from the small puncture mark on his neck.  
The cuffs feel away with a loud clang and yet Bucky did not move.

The puncture wound was nothing Rachel felt worrying about, after Bucky washed she would dress the small wound and if he was ready, she would give him a once over physical exam to identify any other points of worry.

She then explained this to him. Steve showed Bucky where the shower was, how to turn it on, where he could find towels, and of course, clean clothes.  
Bucky did not speak for the remainder of their visit, he merely watched through expressionless eyes as Steve spoke to him.

''I'll be back soon Bucky.'' Rachel promised finally as the door shut between them, and at the last second, his eyes met hers, ablaze with emotions.

Outside now, Tony Stark watched as Rachel pointed her walking stick at one of the guards.  
''Where is Fisher?'' she growled, and Stark's eyes narrowed at she wobbled a little.

_''Sir, Doctor Reid is showing signs of stress. If she doesn't sit down I fear she will fall down.'' _the cool, suave voice of JARVIS echoed in Tony's ear and he watched for a moment longer.  
He saw it before JARVIS had time to warn him, and apparently so did Steve.  
The colour had drained from Rachel's face in a manner so fast it was like watching a cartoon. She swayed and her eyes rolled, but before she had even time to consider passing out, Steve was carrying her - bridal style no less - down the hallway.

''Stay there.'' Tony commanded the guards.  
''No one in, no one out. No exceptions.'' and as he started to walk away he paused, ''Have Fisher found and told he is off the case indefinitely.''

''Sir.''


	9. It Won't Be In Vain

**AN : **This chapter took a little bit longer to write than originally intended since I first wrote the whole thing in one sitting, went to click save, aaaand my laptop had a heart-attack. But here's Chapter Nine. Lyrics in the Chapter Title are from my favourite song right now _Devil May Cry _- **The Weeknd, **it's off of the Catching Fire soundtrack and sooooo worth a listen. I have three little notes before we get on with our story.

**1.** If you're following this story and enjoying it please drop a review, the story has had an insane amount of viewings and only a handful of reviews. So please drop a review.

**2.** There's going to be snippets of German/Russian in upcoming chapters. I don't speak Russian and my German is horrific so if you spot any mistakes be sure to holla at a gurl ^_^

**3. **If anyone would like to come talk on Tumblr you can find me at fallenepiphany . tumblr . com - I don't bite.

* * *

**Chapter Nine : **  
_It won't be in vain_  
_To swallow all your pain_  
_And learn to love what burns_

* * *

''Just sit-''

''I'm _fine _honestly-''  
''You keeled over i-''  
''_Almost-''  
_''Rachel-''  
''Steve-''

''And if you two don't cut that out I'm going to put you both in time-out.'' Tony - now minus the Suit - emerged with a steaming cup of coffee.  
Rachel smiled gratefully from her spot at his desk.  
''Thanks - I'm fine Steve honestly. I'm fine. I just forgot to take my meds is all.'' she took the coffee from Tony and sipped happily.  
''Yeah - had a look at your file Doc. Pretty grim diagnosis.'' Tony said nonchalantly, and Steve looked ever so slightly mortified.

Then again, Rachel was pretty sure she had never met two people that landed on complete opposite ends of the personality sphere.

''Smooth Stark.'' she thought she heard Steve mutter, but either Tony didn't hear, or he didn't give a shit. Rachel decided on the latter.  
Tony produced her nap sack and handed it to her.  
After a moments rooting, Rachel found the case of L-Dopa buried at the bottom of her bag. She popped two pills and sank into the car with a groan. It would take a little while for them to kick in, and her head was still a little fuzzy so she decided she would stay as she was until such a time as she no longer felt like she was about too spew her breakfast all over Tony's expensive carpets.

''Pretty grim...'' she murmured, ''Yeah you could say that again.'' she agreed with him. When her mother had a bad day, and the stress of having a terminally ill child seemed to become too much, she would lay before Rachel the life she should be living.

_''You should be out every weekend, you should be in love and travelling the world. You should be thinking about getting married and having babies and living until you're eighty.'' _

Rachel had long since learned to block out her emotions when her mother went on a rampage. It was hard, and Dr Folan had repeatedly questioned Rachel's lack of emotion and her nonchalant attitude towards her own demise.  
But Rachel had done the stages of grief, acceptance had come after many years, it was a bitter acceptance, but Rachel was of the optimistic persuasion, she would not allow herself to well in her own self pity.

''They can't give you a time-line?'' Tony sat on the desk, and Rachel looked at him through tired eyes. He didn't seem to have any concept of his brash mannerism's. He seemed genuinely interested in her, something that she found a surprise.  
Surrounded by all of these Superheroes, it was a little disconcerting.

Rachel had been out of the country when New York had fallen under attack and the Avengers had so valiantly saved the city - and the world - from the crazy aliens she had seen on telly.  
It had been nothing but dumb luck that her mother had decided they should take a trip to Amsterdam. They ended up having to stay two weeks longer than originally intended since all flights to the US had been delayed indefinitely.

Sipping her coffee, she could feel her muscles begin to sooth themselves and relax, and she promised herself a long, hot bath when she got home.  
''No, no time-line. They don't even know what it is. Who knows, it might not even kill me, it's all guess work really.'' Rachel shrugged, and her eyes fell on Steve, who had his back turned to them.

* * *

_''Sir, the Winter Solider is now in the possession of S.H.E.I.L.D.'' the small man with round, horn-rimmed glasses hurried to his superior's side.  
''I was already aware of that Schwarz.'' the second man, who was of an entirely different build continued to stare ahead of him._

_''Yes, but Herr Engel we believe we have found one of the **Verlorene Kinder.**'' Schwarz huffed._

_Engel froze then. His entire body snapping to attention._  
_''What did you say?'' he turned, his face now only inches from Schwarz's._  
_The smaller man was sweating profusely. His bald head shone in the dim light of the underground bunker._

_''We believe we have found one. We cannot be certain just yet.''_  
_''Which one dammit!'' Engel's fingers wrapped around Schwarz's neck and he gasped for air._  
_''Which one of them have you found?''_

_Schwarz was turning purple as Engel lifted him from the ground._  
_''7...1...4...5.'' Schwarz was gasping, and Engel dropped him with a thump._

_''What? 7145?'' he paused, looking pensive._  
_''So our Winter Solider did not complete his mission.'' he murmured, more to himself than to Schwarz._  
_The man on the floor struggled to his feet, still clutching his throat and gasping for air._  
_Engel turned so fast that Schwarz flinched hard enough to send him tumbling back several steps._  
_''Where is she?''_

_Schwarz swallowed, but did not delay in answering for fear his superior would lunge for him once more._  
_''America Herr Engel. She is with the Solider. In S.H.I.E.L.D.''_

_''We need her Schwarz. We need both of them.''_

* * *

It took the best part of thirty minutes for Rachel to feel comfortable enough to move around again, though she did have to fend Steve's suggestion of a wheelchair off.  
She had explained her plans for the rest of today, and though he tried to hide it, Rachel could see the disappointment in his eyes when she said that she would not be addressing Bucky's memory problems directly just yet. However she did go on to reassure him that all she did was going to lend towards that eventual outcome.

''The more he knows me and I know him, the better chance I have at getting inside his head and fixing whatever they've done to him. I'm afraid that if I go in too aggressively he could shut down. We don't know what they were doing to him. We don't even know where they were holding him. My guess is that he'll remember certain things on his own after a while. But I need him to know that I'm a friend, I don't doubt he hasn't had a friend for a very long time.''

Steve gave a stiff sort of a nod, and Rachel checked her watch.  
''I think it's time to head back down, are you gentlemen going to escort me?'' she gave a small smile, and both men cracked a grin.

''Here.'' Tony said before they left, moved towards his desk and began fishing in one of the drawers. Rachel's frown deepened when he strode back to her and held out his hand.  
It took her a moment, but when she slowly placed her hand in his, something snapped shut with a small click around her wrist.  
''Eh?'' was all she could manage as confusion took over.

''It monitors your vitals. Your breathing, BPM, your pulse. If you aren't going to let us put security in there - '' Rachel's cocked eyebrow answered his question for him.  
''No? Well I didn't think so, anyways this little gadget sends your vitals to JARVIS. If at any point one of them spikes - through fear or stress - while you're in that room, JARVIS will notify us, and the two armed guards outside the door who will come in.''

Rachel looked impressed.  
''That's pretty nea-''  
''Neat? I know right? It's all part of Stark Industries new venture into medicinal science. These little babies are going to be at a hospital near you next Spring.'' Tony beamed at her, and Rachel couldn't help but grin. He was almost childlike in his pride, it was heart-warming to see. Though her grin slowly fell away as she looked at Steve.

He seemingly had not heard any of their conversation and was instead looking thoughtful by the window.  
Rachel checked her watch once more, ''Let's get moving.''

* * *

She knocked at the door, but there was no sound from inside. Rachel waited, chewing her bottom lip and holding the tray of instruments Tony had had sent up from the lap. The bare essentials to get a basic understanding of what shape Bucky's body was in.  
Hearing nothing still, Rachel knocked again, a little louder this time. She did not doubt that the Assassin on the other side of the door had heard her.  
"Bucky?" She pushed it open gingerly, hoping she wouldn't find him mid shower or in some other state of undress.  
Not that it bothered her, she had spent her time as an intern in the E.R of New York General. She had seen enough naked human bodies, to last a lifetime. But she didn't want to embarrass him.

It was drawing near the hour mark now since they had left him, and she was eager to sink her teeth into this case.

To her mixed relief and concern, she found him with his back to her, staring out of the open window. The sounds of the streets below wove their way into the room.

His had donned a pair of black jeans, but little else.  
He was barefoot and shirtless. But he did not turn to face her.

"How are you doing Bucky?" Rachel inched forward, closing the door. She sat the tray on the bed, and she waited. If nothing else, her years in medicine had taught her nothing else, it had taught her patience.  
She would stand there happily for as long as it took for him to acknowledge her presence.  
While she waited, Rachel reached out and plucked her stethoscope from the tray and placed it around her neck.

As it happened, she only had to wait less than a minute for Bucky to break the silence.

''It's nice here.'' his voice was quiet, but it sounded a lot stronger already. Rachel marvelled at the wonders a slice of toast and a warm shower could do for someone.  
''You like it?'' Rachel kept her tone conversational, and in the moment, she did not want to stress him by asking questions in the past tense. She was as of yet still uncertain of how Bucky's memory loss worked. Was it a cyclic condition that moved of it's own accord like Alzhiemers, or had the memory loss been induced - forced upon him.

Bucky turned to face her, ,and she saw that he hadn't shaved. His wet hair sent droplets falling down his chest and Rachel smiled.  
''My mother always said you'd catch a cold walking around with wet hair.'' picking a towel up off the dresser and holding it out.

Bucky seemed to consider her for a moment, then he bridged the gap between them and took the towel.  
''Shall we sit?'' Rachel motioned to the two armchairs by the window.

Bucky sat almost immediately. As though he were taking an order. It was a little disconcerting, but Rachel followed him over. She pulled a bedside locker to rest beside the vacant armchair, and placed the medic tray on it.  
She was about to sit when she said that Bucky was still holding the towel, and looking a little uncertain.

A smile broke out across her lips.  
''Will I do it for you?'' she asked, though in the back of her mind she wondered if this wasn't overstepping the line ever so slightly.

Bucky blinked, his dark hair falling into his outrageously bright eyes. To Rachel's immense surprise, Bucky nodded, and held out the towel.  
Taking it, Rachel gingerly began to dry the ends of his hair. She watched his body relax a little, though he still carried a lot of tension about him. She followed his gaze to the tray of supplies, and she pursed her lips.

''All I want to do today is a couple of checks. To make sure everything is okay. You've been through a lot Bucky.''  
When he didn't relax, Rachel stopped what she was doing, and moved to stand in front of him.

He met her eyes and there was a tense moment while they stared at each other.  
''I want to help you. I am not going to hurt you.'' she paused before breaking her first rule of patient-doctor relations - ''Bucky I promise, I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.''  
_Never make a promise you can't keep. _

Bucky's eyes fell to the floor, he looked so broken, that Rachel couldn't help but feel a little protective of him.  
''Can I take a look at your neck?'' Rachel wanted to check out that metal arm - but she thought it best to save that for last.

Bucky swallowed loudly, a muscle in his jaw tightened, but he nodded all the same.  
Rachel pulled her hair tie out letting her blonde hair fall losely around her, and she moved to stand behind him.

* * *

The smell of her shampoo hit Bucky like a slap in the face as her hair fell. It was heaven, like a drug he wanted to smell it everyday for the rest of his life.  
He felt her fingers in his hair and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

Nobody had ever touched him with such soft touches. He did not remember much, but what he did often came in sharp bursts of colour. Disorientating and painful.

Rachel drew his hair back into a short ponytail and looped her hair tie around it.  
She ran her fingers over the tiny puncture mark at the base of his neck. Bucky didn't flinch, but the area around it was already turning a nasty purple as it bruised.  
There was little she could do save putting a little Arnica salve on it for the bruising.

''It looks alright. Does it hurt?'' she asked him.

Bucky was in a world of his own, he never wanted her hands to stop, but he was suddenly aware she had asked him a question. He cleared his throat, ''No. Not really.''

He felt cold when her warm hands left his shoulder and she moved around to stand before him.

Rachel took the stethoscope from around her neck and sank bent down to look at him.  
''I just want to listen to your heart and your breathing. That okay?'' she breathed on the cold metal as he nodded stiffly and placed it over his heart.  
The beat was strong and steady, loud and a little faster than it should have been at rest but she attributed that to stress.

His lungs were clear, and Rachel could feel the intensity of his gaze as she listened intently.

''Sounds good.'' now it was her turn to clear her throat as she drew the stethoscope away, and sat in the empty chair. She looked at him, he had several bruises and marks across his stomach and sternum, but all of them looked old and faded, nothing she felt terribly concerned about.  
She took his temperature next, he was a little warmer than she expected, but again, nothing worth worrying about.

He surprised her when she asked it she could take a blood sample.

''With a needle?'' his voice broke.  
''Yes... Is that alright?'' Rachel asked as she opened a sterile needle and checked it.

''I - I don't like needles.''

Rachel froze. Was this a fragment of Bucky Barnes making it's way through on it's own? She made a note to ask Steve later if he remembered his friend having a distaste for needles back in the day.

''I don't have to do it.'' Rachel assured him, making to place the needle down again.

''N-no it's fine. It's okay, you can do it.'' Bucky tried to convince himself that it was not just so she could touch him again.  
''Are you certain?'' Rachel asked, frowning a little.  
''Yes.'' Bucky tried to sound certain, but he knew by the way she cocked an eyebrow at him that he had not succeeded.

Rachel watched him for a long minute, then gave a tiny shrug. ''Okay then.'' she grabbed a small strap and pulled it tight just above his right elbow - obviously taking blood from his left arm was out of the question.  
Flicking the needle, she scooted closer, searching for the right place to send the needle.

''Just a little pinch...'' she murmured.  
''Gotcha.'' she smiled as the vial turned bright red as Bucky's blood surged through the needle.  
''Feeling okay Bucky?'' Rachel glanced up as the vial filled.

He nodded silently, his eyes closed.  
She finished quickly, and when she withdrew the needle and announced she was done. Bucky opened his eyes and looked surprised.

''That wasn't so bad.'' he mused.  
''I am an excellent Doctor.'' Rachel beamed, and to her satisfaction, a slow smile made it's way across Bucky's lips.  
They talked then, slow, easy conversations, about nothing in particular.  
Rachel showed him how to work the television, and when she asked him whether he was going to keep the beard or not, he told her that he had been unsure how to use the shaver. They laughed then, and Rachel promised to show him, but before either of them knew it, the sun had started a slow descent.

Rachel checked the time, gasped, and rose then, ''Well I think I've harassed you enough for one day. I'll have them bring you something to eat and then I want you to rest a lot. I'll be back tomorrow.'' she gathered up her things.  
''But-'' Bucky rose suddenly.  
''You're leaving?'' he looked so lost.

''I've got a very hungry cat and a dog that I'm sure are missing me now.'' Rachel reasoned.  
''A dog?'' Bucky repeated.  
''Yes, and a cat who is not going to talk to me.'' Rachel smiled.  
''I like dogs.'' Bucky said quietly.

''Well maybe I'll bring her to visit you. Would you like that?''  
''Yes.'' Bucky's voice was filled with conviction.

''Well goodbye then Bucky. See you tomorrow.''  
''Goodbye Doctor.''  
Rachel gave a little frown.  
''Rachel. Call me Rachel Bucky.''

Bucky smiled a little.  
''Goodbye Rachel.''


	10. A Tear In The Brain

**AN : **And so the plot thickens. The song in the title is **Hearing Damage - Thom Yorke**. Give it a listen.  
I do hope you guys are enjoying the story so far, I'm trying to give it substance and emotion. I've been watching a lot of Seb Stan's interviews about Bucky and trying to keep in mind with his idea that Bucky is not an empty shell, he's like a child with ADD, so many things going on at once.  
Anyways, I'll cut the chat and let you get on with the story. One more day of work and then I've got three whole days off, so plenty of time for writing.  
Much love to my reviewers, followers and anyone who is reading.  
You guys kick ass.  
**Xxx**

* * *

**Chapter Ten :**  
_A tear in my brain_  
_Allows the voices in_  
_They wanna push you off the path_  
_With their frequency wires_

* * *

Geoff Fisher was not a bad man. He did not have any evil machinations. He was a human, same as you or I. He lived in a pleasant apartment in Manhattan. He had worked with S.H.I.E.L.D for over twenty years.  
His children – two daughters were grown, married with children of their own, and lived in other states.  
His wife – Marian had passed away several years ago. Ovarian cancer had gotten the better of her after a long battle.  
Geoff Fisher was not a bad man. Geoff Fisher was a bitter man.

All he had done for S.H.I.E.L.D. his endless days and nights spent toiling away in their laboratories, getting little thanks for the hours of his life spent trying to make the world a safer place.

After the years of hard work he had finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel. It had come when none other than Director Fury had come to find him, and tell him that he was to be the presiding Physician on The Winter Soldier.  
It had meant a substantial pay-rise, and that Fisher would get to rub shoulders with S.H.I.E.L.D's biggest and best.

He had not been given any say in the selection of his colleagues. Had he had even the slightest bit of input he certainly would not have chosen that _uptight bookworm with the cane._  
The blonde bitch that had wandered in, appearing confused and meek at first, yet wasting no time in barking orders and throwing her weight around.  
Both of his daughters were more than likely older than her and Fisher found this somewhat irksome little child pulling his case out from underneath him nothing short of infuriating.

He had returned to his apartment after having been told that he had been phased out of Project Defrost.

The kicked the door shut behind him and stormed into the kitchen, he pulled at the fridge door so hard, the damn thing almost came off, and he grabbed a beer.  
It was in or around that time that the doorbell rang.

''Who in the blazes is that?'' he muttered grumpily to himself, he had no desire for unwanted guests right now, and was in the middle of debating whether he would ignore it, then there was a succession of ominous loud thumping knocks.

''Yes, I'm coming.'' He snapped loudly.  
Making his way through the apartment, he placed his beer on the hall table and took the door on the latch.  
Hauling the door open, he frowned at the sight before him.

''_Herr Fisher. A pleasure it is for us to make your acquaintance. May we come in?''_

* * *

Steve insisted on driving her home. He laughed loudly when she asked if Captain America had nothing better to do then to act as her chauffeur.

"I'm sure there are hundreds of things hundreds of people would like for me to do." He admitted a little sheepishly.  
Rachel watched him carefully.

"You really _do_ care about him. Don't you?" She said suddenly, in as soft a tone as she could manage, and Steve inhaled sharply.

He repeated the words he had once told Natasha.

"Even when I had nothing. I had Bucky." He paused, and when Rachel didn't speak he continued.

"I was a scrawny kid in Brooklyn, I got my ass kicked daily. Bucky was my superhero growing up - better still he was and is still my best friend."

To her immense surprise Rachel thought she felt the prick of a tear threatening, but she fought the urge.  
"That's sweet Steve, and I _do_ think it will help him, but I want you to know that even my best might not be good enough." Rachel chewed her bottom lip, her gaze falling on the road in front of them.

Droplets of rain chased each other across the windscreen, before the larger wipers cleared them all away, only to allow them to start again.  
Dealing with the family or the friends of someone suffering from a mental ailment was in Rachel's opinion, one of the hardest aspects of her job.  
People did not want to hear that there was a chance their loved one could not be cured. Conventional methods only went so far with the mind. The rest was a mixture of guess work and understanding the person you were dealing with.

''I know that.'' Steve said quietly, and Rachel narrowed her eyes.  
''Do you?'' she pressed, her eyebrows knotted together.

Steve gave her a reassuring smile, ''I get it-'' he promised as he pulled into the driveway of her house, and jumping out.

She flushed a little when he walked around and opened her door.  
''Ever the gentleman.'' She grinned at him, before grasping her walking stick and shimmying out of the SUV.

Steve grabbed her belongings from the back and also snatched up a large black briefcase that Rachel hadn't seen before.  
''Captain America got time for a coffee? I know a dog who'd be heartbroken if you didn't say hi.'' She offered, making her way – a little stiffly to the front door.  
''I think I could manage one cup of coffee for her sake.'' Steve smiled, locking the SUV and following her.

''Hi!'' Rachel was nearly taken out by a giant golden ball of wiggling fur that bowled past her upon opening the front door.  
''Uh?'' Rachel looked stunned. Allie had seemingly bypassed her entirely, making a beeline for Steve as if her owner was non-existent.

''Really nice Al. You're going on a diet tomorrow.'' Rachel grumbled, hurrying in out of the worsening rain.  
Steve shuffled the stuff around in his arms so he could reach down and pat her, and moved quickly after Rachel, the bounding Labrador skidding after him.

* * *

''So I've got a little job for you.'' Rachel said as she set a match to the kindle in the fireplace and the flames licked their way around the dry wood.

''Shoot.'' Steve sipped at his black coffee, and cocked his head to one side curiously.

''Music, and literature from way back when. Anything you can remember Bucky liking or that was popular back then. Stuff he would have seen signs for, or heard about on the radio. Can you make a list?''

Steve nodded, ''Of course, sure thing.'' His eyes fell on the briefcase for a second, but Rachel caught him looking.

''What is it?'' she asked, she had avoided it for long enough. Now she just wanted to know.  
''That is for you to open after I leave.'' Steve said with an air of finality that Rachel did not contest.

''Now.'' He downed the last mouthful of coffee and rose. ''I better go. Pick up at 9:00 am?''  
Rachel took the mug from him with his thanks and nodded. ''Nine sounds good.'' She agreed, and as they made their way towards the door, Allie in tow, a thought occurred to Rachel.

''Hey, um Steve. Quick question?''  
''Yeah?''  
''How do you think Directory Fury would feel about dogs in S.H.I.E.L.D?''  
Steve stopped and turned to look at Rachel, then he glanced at Allie, his eyes awash with emotions she was having trouble deciphering.

''Bucky asked for one?''

''He mentioned he liked dogs. Animals have been used for years as a form of therapy. I thought it might help.'' She scratched Allie's ear as she spoke.  
Steve nodded, and smiled a little despondently.

''He had a dog like her once - but more of a reddish colour though, and not as pretty– his name was Dusty. That dog followed him _everywhere._'' He said wistfully, and trailed off for a minute, then he opened the front door.  
The skies had opened up and huge glistening droplets fell in their thousands, Steve stared out into it, his mind miles away as the ghosts of the past weighed heavily on his shoulders. He made to move.

''Steve?'' Rachel spoke and the words were flowing before she could stop them.  
''You know you can talk to me right? I might not have experience in dealing with the trauma's you've gone through, but I'm willing to listen. Anytime, day or night.''  
Steve did not move for a long moment, but then he turned slowly, a sad smile donning his handsome face.

To Rachel's immense surprise, Steve leaned down and kissed her cheek.  
''Thank you.'' His voice was filled with such gratitude that Rachel blushed violently.

''See you tomorrow.'' Rachel stammered, and Steve smiled, before bolting out into the rain and getting into the SUV. Rachel waved him off and shut the door, locking it tightly. She loathe to admit it, but all this talk of Hydra and Super Soldiers was making her a little uneasy.

Luna mewled from the couch, but did not move as Rachel re-entered the living room. She eyed the briefcase apprehensively, curiosity getting the better of her.  
Steve had said to open it when he was gone.

She sat on the couch and carefully brought the case to rest on her lap.  
Taking a deep breath, Rachel unclipped it, and drew it open.

''Oh.''  
Nestled in the case sat a large, but otherwise inconspicuous laptop, and a very fat brown envelope.  
Cocking her head to one side, Rachel began with the envelope.  
Her name was written in a pretty script on it.  
She tore it open with shaking hands – a combination of her condition and nerves.  
In the envelope she found a hefty file, a cheque written for an outrageous sum of money, and a letter addressed to her.

_Dr Reid, _

_Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D. Please find enclosed a personal computer for your use only. Please note that this personal computer will respond to fingerprints only. I took the liberty of pulling your file and having it set up already.  
Also enclosed is the unofficial file we have put together summarising all we know of Sgt Barnes time as an Agent of Hydra and other information you may find useful. This information is highly sensitive. Destroy after reading.  
Finally please fine your first month's paycheque in advance. S.H.I.E.L.D has taken the liberty of handing in your letter of resignation to the board of Directors at the New York University Medical Centre.  
I look forward to working with you._

Yours Sincerely,

_ Tony Stark _

_ a.k.a Iron Man  
C.E.O and Co-Director of S.H.I.E.L.D_

Rachel's eyebrows had travelled so far up her forehead as she read the letter that they were all but hidden beneath her hair.  
''No way.'' She breathed.  
She eyed the cheque with mixed apprehension and sheer astonishment. It was more than she earned in two months, and she made a pretty decent wage.  
Next she pulled out the laptop and set it to one side. She already had a laptop – it was a little old, but in perfect order otherwise. She guessed by the Stark Industries logo on the back however, that this laptop was a good sight better than hers.

Then came the file.  
Rachel swallowed, and before she opened it, decided that this was best looked at with a glass of wine in hand, and in more comfortable clothing.

* * *

The clock above the fire told her it was almost three am when she looked up next. The fire had long since died and the single glass of wine had turned into a now, very empty bottle.

Buried beneath pages of notes and faded photos, with her new laptop warming her lap and Allie watching her drowsily from the floor, she had completely immersed herself in the information S.H.I.E.L.D had gathered on Bucky and his transformation.

There were many accounts from Hydra operatives that S.H.I.E.L.D had arrested after the hoopla in Washington.  
The photos were what turned her stomach however.

There were only a few, and each more graphic than the last. Images of Bucky naked, in the corner of a dark cell, bloodied and black, more of him strapped to a gurney, appearing to be undergoing some form of ECT – Electroconvulsive Therapy.

Rachel had taken note of this, for numerous reasons, firstly being that she had read several distinguished articles on ECT and its adverse effects on the patients memory, and secondly because as she saw the photo, she was visited by the image of her first face to face encounter with Bucky. When Orla had turned on the lights and he had flinched so hard that if he had not been strapped down he would have fallen off the gurney.

ECT looked like a major factor in his memory loss, but his conditioning and transformation into the lethal assassin held more secrets that even S.H.I.E.L.D had yet to discover.

There were several photos of his metal prosthetic in what Rachel assumed were its various forms of construction. Here Tony had made several notes and given his ideas on how the arm worked, he noted that it had to be interwoven with Bucky's own nerves given the level of control and seamless movement he had.  
Rachel made another note that she would ask Tony to take a look at it with her, perhaps with her knowledge of human anatomy, and his knowledge of all things mechanical, they could figure out how it worked.

The final photo was what made Rachel decide it was time for bed, and this time as the tears pricked her eyes, she could not fight them. For in all her life, she had never been filled with such an overwhelming sense of pity and inert sympathy for someone.

It was tattered, coffee stained, and black and white. It was dark and hard to make out, but once she understood what was going on she gasped aloud.

In the forefront of the photo stood two men, wearing white coats and looking proud.  
In the background of the photo, strewn up by heavy chains - wearing a mask akin to something Hannibal Lector would be seen wearing – was Bucky. His metal arm was missing, so he was simply hanging by his right arm, several feet from the floor. She wondered if this was in the early days, before their experimentation had fully begun. He was sickly thin, his ribs prominent – even in the dim photo.  
Shuddering, Rachel scooped up the photos and buried them back in the file and out of view.

''Christ…'' she murmured, shutting the laptop with a snap and getting to her feet. She stretched and yawned.  
She tried to rub the image of Bucky hanging limp out her mind, but was failing miserably.  
Cleaning away the mess she had made and folding all of her S.H.I.E.L.D documents back into the case she made for her room – not before grabbing the ridiculous cheque and shutting off the lights as she went.  
Allie padded after her and she found Luna already waiting on her pillow.

Five minutes later, after staring hard at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, she found herself drifting into a fitful sleep, and hugging the purring cat and snoring dog a little closer than usual.


	11. Elastic Heart

**AN : **So guys - cue shameless begging for reviews - we're slowly but surely making our way into the thick of it. Please keep reviewing guys, honestly it's such a help to hear what you're thinking so far.  
Much love.  
FallenEpiphany  
XxX

* * *

**Chapter Eleven :  
**_I may snap and I move fast,  
__But you won't see me fall apart,  
__Cause I've got an elastic heart_

* * *

Images flashed behind his closed eyelids at a speed that he could not keep up with.  
He could hear a voice in the back of his mind, distorted, sometimes speaking English, sometimes speaking other languages. He understood it all, but not what it meant.

His left hand convulsed, and he sat bolt upright.  
He had been lying on the bed, and as he sat up, the lights hummed to life.  
Bucky did not know if he had slept at all. The sun was shining through the blinds, and rubbing his eyes, he sprung lithely to his feet.

_''Good morning Sargent Barnes.'' _  
Bucky did not hesitate, he spun sharply, hands clenched and ready for a fight.

But there was no one there.  
Tense, Bucky eyed the room with suspicion.

_''Is there anything I can assist you with?'' _the voice was there again. But Bucky could not for the life of him figure out where it was coming from.  
''Where are you?'' Bucky growled, still not releasing his fighting stance.

_''I am not in one particular place Sargent, I am everywhere.''_

When Bucky did not reply, the voice went on.  
_''I am J.A.R.V.I.S. I am Mr Stark's home computing system.''_

Bucky was at a complete loss. Home computing system? _  
_He stood up straight and casting one final glance around the room, he shrugged and made his way towards the bathroom.

He wondered when Rachel would come back.  
He liked her. He liked her voice, he liked the smell of her hair, he liked the way she smiled, he liked the way she looked at him like he was someone important.  
She was nice. She wanted to help him.

He had wondered after her a lot since she left the previous day. As he climbed into the shower, and spent several minutes naked and cold trying to remember how he had made it work the previous day, he hoped she would be back soon.

_''Sir, Doctor Reid has entered the building and will be with you shortly.'' _there was that damn voice again, making Bucky jump as he stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel.

_Doctor R- does he mean Rachel? _Bucky thought, wrapping the fluffy white towel around his waist.

''Rachel?'' he felt stupid asking his questions to thin air, but he got his answer.  
_''Yes sir, she is meeting with Captain Rogers and Director Fury, but will join you shortly.''_

Bucky nodded, then frowned.  
''Thank you?'' he said slowly as he re-emerged into the bedroom.

_''My pleasure Sergeant Barnes.''_

* * *

''What is _that _doing here?'' Nick Fury did not look remotely impressed as he eyed the panting dog at Rachel's side.  
''Would you believe me if I said she was a specially trained assistant dog?'' Rachel said sheepishly.

Fury cocked an eyebrow and Rachel flushed.  
''I'm bringing her to Bucky. Animals have been used as a form of therapy for years. I think it will be good for him, and you put me in charge of him remember?'' she felt like a school girl that got caught misbehaving.

Nick raised his hands. ''I don't care. Just tell me how he's doing?''

Rachel was now very aware that she had several sets of eyes on her – including those of her dog.  
''He's okay, he's starting to come out of his shell a little. I looked through most of what you sent me last night and this morning.''

And she had.  
Her fitful sleep had not lasted long, and it wasn't long before she rose from her bed and her fingers brushed the surface of Bucky's file.  
She had read until the sun came up, her eyes widening and lips parting in a small gasp as she found him tied to several of the most prolific assassinations of the 19th centuries.  
_JFK, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi._

Her head spun wildly and she felt nauseous.  
It was growing more and more difficult for Rachel to associate the man she knew as Bucky with these terrible crimes.  
There were more murders that - though not as infamous – were equally horrifying.  
She found it particularly had to swallow the medical notes the Hydra personal had written on their techniques.  
The English was broken and words were missing, Tony had left a note indicating that the original documents had been a strange combination of Russian and German and even their most skilled linguists had difficulty deciphering the double meanings, though they did their best.

Water boarding, sleep, sensory and oxygen deprivation, flogging, were to name but a few.  
Her mouth had run dry and she felt tears run down her cheek.

She did not know what it was that had seen her grow so attached to Bucky over the short time she knew him. It felt maternal at times. This need inside her to try and protect him from what was coming, because even though she knew that S.H.I.E.L.D was the best place for him right now, she couldn't help but feel that something was coming their way.  
Something inertly sinister.

There were numerous mentions of a woman in the latter years of Bucky's training. Though no name was given. She appeared to be the only woman there, or at least, the powers that be had deemed her the only woman worth mentioning.  
There were distorted sentences that made little sense.

**Asset train her. Asset teach her. Sometimes asset love her.**

It was at that moment, when she read those words, the Rachel thought she felt the stirrings of something, deep in her stomach. She pushed it away, but it was there alright.

* * *

Standing in Fury's office now, she told them of her plans, told them that they needed to trust her. They needed to trust him a little too.  
Fury seemed content, though Rachel was certain he was not overly impressed with the salivating Labrador in his office.  
Tony Stark told her that he ''-liked her style –'' as he passed her on her way in.

Steve had roared with laughter that morning when she had opened the back door of the car and Allie had bounded in, barking and panting with excitement.

''Can I see him now?'' Rachel asked Fury, checking her watch.  
Fury blinked.  
''I mean are we finished – Sir?'' she added for good measure, uncertain now just how she was supposed to address him now that he was for all intents and purposes her new boss.

''Yeah, go.'' Fury shrugged, waving her away with a dismissive hand.  
Rachel grabbed her stuff and wrapped Allie's lead around her wrist.

* * *

''Rachel!'' Steve caught up with her just as she left Fury's, he was holding out his hand.  
There was a small notepad in it, Rachel took it and began leafing through.

''I stayed up after I left. I've written down everything I could remember about Buck. His favourite colour, food, music, games, books, movies. Everything I could think of. I thought it would help you.'' He scratched his head, smiling sheepishly at her.  
''You did?'' Rachel looked impressed as Allie whined and nuzzled Steve until he paid her some attention.  
''That's going to be such a help, you've no idea Steve.'' Rachel beamed at him as he bent to pat the Labrador.  
Steve shrugged, ''He'd do it for me.''  
''I'm sure he would. But let's hope he never has to right?''

Steve nodded, and was about to offer to walk her down when his cell buzzed.  
He glanced at it and rose.  
''Duty calls. Tell Buck I said was asking for him, won't you?''

He was already half way down the hall as he called this back to her.  
She waved him off and shook her head as her dog already pined for her new friend.

''You're joking? Come on.'' She laughed and towed Allie down the hall.  
''Hey J.A.R.V.I.S.?'' she called out as she walked, briefcase in one hand, dog in the other.

_''Yes Doctor Reid?''  
_''You told Bucky I'm here?''  
_''Yes Doctor Reid.'' _  
''Tell him I'm on my way please.''  
_''Consider it done Doctor Reid.''_

Bucky's heart was thumping wildly, he did not understand why.  
It baffled him, this feeling inside. But when the walls had spoken again and told him she was coming, his heart had beat a thousand beats.

He had showered and dressed in the same black pants as he wore the day before, he found a white t-shirt and tugged it on.  
The hair time she had given him still smelled like her hair, and he tried to mimic the way she had pulled back his hair but it wasn't the same.

He was sitting on his bed when there was a soft knock on the door.  
''Bucky?''  
He was on his feet and at the door before he knew it. He opened it with a little more enthusiasm than intended.

Her hair was down today, spilling way past her shoulders.  
She looked tired, more so than the previous day. She was dressed differently too, more relaxed. Today there was no Doctor's coat, no stethoscopes or other things. Instead she wore a lose fitting turquoise shirt that she had rolled back to her elbows, and blue jeans.  
Bucky did not notice the dog for a moment, until Allie took them both by surprise and bounded towards Bucky.  
Her sudden movement yanked the lease from Rachel's hand.  
Bucky stumbled back, and Rachel feared that the Soldier's instincts would kick in and he would hurt her. But happened next was something she could not and did not predict.

Bucky dropped to his knees of his own accord and as the dog showered him in golden hair and slobbery kisses, he looked at her, wide eyed and wonder struck.  
''Hello.'' He breathed, wrapping his arms around her and drawing her tighter to him.  
Allie was delighted, and the great dog rolled in his arms so she was lying like a –rather large and hairy – baby.  
Her tail beat a steady rhythm on the hardwood floor.

Laughing now, Rachel stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.  
''Bucky – meet Allie.''  
''I like Allie.'' Bucky said, sitting cross-legged now and rubbing her stomach.

''I think it's mutual.'' Rachel conceded, ''How are you feeling today?''  
Bucky blinked, as though he had to think about how he felt right at that moment in time.  
He looked up at her, his hair falling into his bright eyes and he gave her a smile.  
''Good. Yes, good I think.''  
''Did you eat something?''  
''…No.''

''Bucky.'' Rachel folded her arms and shook her head.  
He looked abashed, and Rachel reached for the door.  
Sitting her head into the hallway she beckoned one of the Agents outside.

''Yes?'' one of the men strode over to her.  
''He needs to eat at least three times a day, whether he requests it or not.''  
''With all due re-'' the Agent began.  
''Can you arrange this or do I have to speak to Captain Rogers?'' Rachel tapped her foot in annoyance.  
The Agent blinked, and stood to attention.  
''No Ma'am, I'll see to it.'' He assured her.  
''Great. Can you have someone send up something for now?''

''Of course.''  
Rachel shut the door and turned to find Bucky staring at her like a scolded child.

''You need to eat Bucky.'' Rachel gave him a stern look.  
''Sorry.'' Bucky murmured.  
Rachel shook her head.  
''Don't apologise. Come on-'' she motioned towards the armchairs.

When they had sat and Allie had rested her head on Bucky's lap, Rachel motioned to his facial hair which was rapidly becoming a fully formed beard.  
''You keeping this?'' Rachel asked, touching her chin to show what she meant.

''I- no – do you – I –I mean should I?'' he asked, and Rachel was surprised to see a little blush colour his cheeks.  
She laughed lightly, ''That's up to you, but I would like to all of your face.'' She beamed.  
''Then I want to get rid of it.'' Bucky stood up so suddenly that for a fraction of a second Rachel felt the slightest pinch of panic.

''Now?'' Rachel asked, upon realising that he was not intent on hurting her.  
''Yes.'' Bucky said with conviction, and he looked at Rachel, waiting.  
The realisation dawned on her slowly.

''You want me to do it?''  
Bucky nodded, and Rachel tried to hide her smile.

* * *

Rachel had him sit on the toilet, Allie stood in the doorway, then curled up and watched them with bright brown eyes.  
She rooted through the drawers and to her relief she found razors and shaving cream. Tony had left no stone unturned when he set Bucky up here. Something she felt immensely grateful for.

Bucky braced himself as she filled the sink with warm water. Dampening a face cloth, she gingerly wet his face, and then covered it with the shaving foam.  
Rachel laughed, and was delighted when Bucky caught sight of himself in the mirror and laughed.  
She wasn't sure she had heard him laugh yet, and she was certain she had never heard him laugh with such an open honesty that she couldn't felt but beam at him.

''Ready?'' Rachel asked, brandishing the razor. Bucky gave a slow nod and closed his eyes at the first stroke.

Rachel took her time, and slowly began to ask questions while she worked.  
Bucky's answers came slowly and through gritted teeth.

He seemed the most relaxed Rachel had ever seen him, keeping his eyes closed and his breathing steady as Rachel worked.  
''What's your favourite colour?'' Rachel asked nonchalantly, tilting his head back to remove the dark hairs surrounding his Adams apple.  
''Orange.'' Bucky murmured without thinking, and then he paused, surprising them both.  
The razor glided across his skin and Rachel spoke then, more to keep the air of conversation flowing.

''Mine is blue. Like a soft blue.'' _like your eyes, _a small voice in the back of her mind spoke up.  
Bucky looked at her, watching the concentration on her face as she worked.

''Have you always liked dogs?'' Rachel asked, using the cloth to wipe away the finished areas.  
This answer was a little slower.  
''Y- I think so - yes.''  
Bucky spoke through gritted teeth as Rachel worked.

''There.'' Rachel put the razor down. Submerging the towel in the warm water, she wiped his face and gave a small intake of breath as the remainder of the foam came away and revealed his clean shaven face.

He looked much younger without facial hair, and he was handsome. Exceptionally so.  
Rachel was snapped out of her stupor and reminded that she was looking after a patient when his embarrassed voice asked.  
''Would you mind doing what you did yesterday? With my hair I mean?''

Rachel smiled at him. She noted that she had done a lot of smiling around Bucky.

''Sure thing.''

Rachel ran her fingers through his damp hair and tied it back out of his face.  
When she was finished, there was a knock on the door, and Rachel placed a hand on his right shoulder.  
''Breakfast is here. You're gonna have something to eat then you and I are going to sit down and have a proper talk okay?''

''Okay.''


	12. Never Let Me Go

**AN : **Anyone who has reviewed, followed or made this story their favourite, I'm sending love from rainy Ireland.  
I've spent the last couple of hours writing this since I'm snowed under with a flu and this chapter was begging to be written.  
I want to note here and now - this story is a combination of the Marvel Film/Comic and my own made up universe. Some aspects of supporting characters are a little different from what's stated in their bios, but lets not forget this is a fanfiction.  
I forgot to mention the lyrics used in the title of Chapter eleven were **Elastic Heart - by Sia.**

Lyrics in this chapter's title are from **Florence and The Machine's ballad - Never Let Me Go.  
**If this humble author might make a suggestion to you, if at all possible - try to play the title songs while reading, each of them is from a playlist I put together specifically for this fic, and they blend in nicely.  
Read and Review my loves.

I'm with you guys till the end of the line,  
FallenEpiphany XxX

* * *

**Chapter Twelve** :

_Looking out from underneath,_

_Fractured moonlight on the sea_

_Reflections still look the same to me,_

_As before I went under._

* * *

''Do you understand Herr Fisher?''

_''Yes.''_ Geoff's voice was like an automated voice machine. He was standing in his living room, his eyes glazed over and his heart beating a slow steady rhythm. He was not alone however. There were two others. The man who had come to the door with a smile and a warm handshake, and the girl that had appeared out of nowhere.

He had panicked until the girl had told him to relax, he could not have disobeyed her if he tried.  
''Send him out Wanda. Send him out to find them.''

_''Ja mein Herr Engel.''_ The girl was sitting cross-legged on the window sill. The curtains drawn behind her, in her hands grew a soft red light, and in the back of his mind Fisher heard a soft voice instructing him.  
_''Find 7145. Make friends with 7145. Find the Soldier. Get them out of S.H.I.E.L.D. Hail Hydra.''_

''Hail...Hydra...'' Geoff Fisher repeated in a voice that was not his own.

''What are we going to talk about?'' Bucky had taken to sitting on the floor by the open window, the faint sounds of the city below making their way up from the streets. He had hounded down the porridge and toast the Agent's outside the door had brought.

Rachel dragged the armchair so she was facing him. Her leg had begun to ache so she sat in the chair for comfort.

It was getting worse, she had increased her level of drug intake repeatedly over the last three weeks, but it was getting worse.  
She did her best to ignore her impending doom and focus on Bucky. She reasoned that at least she knew exactly who she was. Her life had been far from perfect, but there had been no secrets, only honesty and love. Something Bucky had not had in a long time.

Rachel had thought a great deal about how she was going to approach Bucky when the time came to talk, she was grateful that they had time to acclimatise to one another's presence over the last two days. He seemed comfortable around her now, though he rarely took his eyes off her. Rachel hadn't decided whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Bringing Allie had been her best idea yet, the Labrador fawned over her new friend, coming to lay beside him with her head in his lap. She did not stare at his metal prosthetic, nor did she question him. She was the perfect companion, never demanding more than a scratch behind her ear.

''Everything.'' Rachel smiled as reassuringly as she could when Bucky's brow furrowed.

Now they came to the difficult part.

''I know everything is a little confusing for you now, but I'm here to help you put everything back in order. That's my job.''

''How do we start?'' Bucky asked, looking at Allie rather than Rachel.  
''How about a little game?'' Rachel asked brightly, that got Bucky's attention, he cocked an eyebrow and looked up at her. ''A game?''

''Yup. It's called twenty-one questions. I ask you a question, then you ask me one, if you don't answer, the other person gets to ask another one.''

Bucky considered it for a second.

''Alright - but you start.''  
Rachel grinned, ''Okay.'' she paused for a second, glancing around the room.

''What is your favourite song?'' she was pushing the boat out harder than she had originally intended, but she was throwing caution to the wind now, the way Bucky had come around in the last couple of days was remarkable, she did not doubt that she could help him, he may never again be the man he was back in 1939 when the War began. But war changed people, she had seen first hand what it did to people.  
Her only hope was that Bucky would learn to understand what had happened him and that he could then move on with a fresh start.  
''My favourite song...'' Bucky's voice was low, and his eyes were a million miles away.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and he could hear them all.

Words and music weaved their way through his brain in a manner that was almost intoxicating.  
_You love music._ Someone, somewhere in the back of his mind murmured.

_Music and dancing. Remember? Come on I know you can remember._ Bucky shook his head, trying to wade through image after image that bombarded his mind's eye.

He was vaguely aware that he had stopped patting the dog, and the Rachel was calling him quietly.  
Holding a finger to his lips, be simultaneously quieted her, and all the voices vying for attention in his head.

Only one remained. Then he could hear it.  
It was as if someone had turned over the radio station, and crystal clear, he could hear it.

The melody brought him back to stolen kisses, dancing under the stars. Another life.  
_''Do you think I'll remember, how you looked when you smile? Only forever and that's putting it mild.''_

His eyes snapped open to find Rachel about to get up from her chair, concern written across her face.  
Bucky grinned. He remembered.  
''Only Forever - Bing Crosby, 1940.''  
Rachel blinked, she had been worried she had pushed him too far, that this was too much to ask.

We humans put much stock in music, tie ourselves to songs, so that pieces of our soul will only every be remembered when _that _song plays and reminds you of it.  
But Bucky remembered. She could not believe that he actually remembered the name of the song, and the artist and lyrics.  
She resisted the urge to flatten him with a hug, but she was proud of him. If he could proceed like this – keeping himself cool and collected – surely there was nothing he couldn't do.

Bucky's grin mirrored her own and he seemed just as happy to have reclaimed a piece of himself.  
''Okay – okay my turn.'' He returned to petting Allie, and considered his options for a moment.  
Then he pointed to her wrist.  
''What does it say? I couldn't see before.''

''Oh.'' Rachel realised that he was pointing to the little tattoo on her right wrist.  
She hoisted the chair closer, so that when she held out her hand to show him, Bucky was able to take it in his own – Rachel did her best not to flinch as the cold metal touched her.

He eyed it curiously, and with the index finger of his right hand, began to trace the delicate lines of the infinity symbol that melded into the words _hakuna matatta _before finishing the design.  
''Ha-ku-na? Ma-ta-ta?'' Bucky's brow furrowed, but Rachel was barely listening.

There were very few things one needed to know about Rachel Reid, but the one thing any of her previous partners had gathered very quickly was that if you wanted to whittle your way into her heart.  
_Trace her tattoos. _  
It was not something that turned her on, though it did give her goosebumps, it was something that no matter how stressed, irritated or just angry with the world she found herself, if someone traced any of her tattoos with their finger. She was as pliable as putty in their hands.  
''Hmm?'' she blinked, suddenly doe-eyed as she looked at Bucky.  
''What does it mean?'' Bucky asked, the tiniest hint of a smile tugging at him lips.

Rachel liked her lips, and Bucky followed her tongue with great interest.  
''Hakuna Matata – it's from one of my favourite movies, it means _no worries_. The symbol is the mathematical sign for infinity – for something that never ends. So together – for me – both of them together mean that I should never worry.'' She explained, looking down at him, her eyes glancing to that finger tracing her ink.

''How many do-''  
''Ah I beg your pardon but I think it's my turn to ask a question.'' Rachel held up a finger.  
Bucky grinned, his teeth were outrageously perfect, she couldn't understand how after everything he'd been through he even had teeth left.

''Hmm…'' she studied him carefully.  
''Favourite movie?'' she asked, pushing that boat out even further, forcing him to recall simple, but important details of the man he was. She was sure that Fury and the others could not have cared less whether Bucky was able to remember something as small as his favourite film. But Rachel was building a foundation for him to stand on. So if and when the day came that he regressed, he had something to grasp before succumbing to the lethal assassin that lived underneath his skin.

To her amazement, Bucky answered this with only a moment's hesitation.  
''Wild Boys Of The Road – it was my favourite – I saw it with…'' Bucky trailed off, his hands falling from hers.  
''You okay Bucky?'' Rachel asked – so quietly her voice was barely a whisper. He had that same distant look on his face, and she wondered if her initial prognosis that his condition was not unlike Alzhiemer's was wrong. It was as it all the information was there but Bucky was unable to hold onto any of it, his eyes were searching, and his lips moved wordlessly. It was like he was watching a roll of film in his own head.

''The man – _Steve. _He was there, we went together. We went for his birthday.'' Bucky blinked several times, looking as though this piece of information had brought itself to the surface of its own accord. He looked both shocked and mildly impressed.

''_Good._'' This was immense progress, ''What else do you remember?''  
But Bucky was holding up his finger in the same manner she had only moments ago.  
''My turn.'' He looked at her and the most breath-taking grin of exultation had fallen on his pink lips.

Rachel laughed.  
''Okay, fair is fair.'' She conceded.  
''Do have other tattoos?'' Bucky asked eagerly.  
Rachel nodded, biting her lip.

''Can I s-''  
''One question at a time.'' She chastised him.

They continued like this for some time. Simple questions, Bucky asked about her favourite things. She showed him her other two tattoos, one on each shoulder. He touched them without asking and Rachel found her legs wobble from something other than her illness.

Rachel asked about things he liked, she asked a little about Steve – which Bucky found difficult to answer, but he did his best.  
Rachel drew out her shiny new laptop sat near him on the floor as together they looked up some of the music Bucky had mentioned to her.  
He was not at baffled by the machine as Rachel suspected he would be. Then again a master spy and assassin would have to be familiar with technology.

She played some of her favourites, and they talked at length about music.  
''We would dance all night to that song.'' Bucky commented as _Hold Tight Hold Tight _by The Andrew Sisters played throughout the room.

''You can dance?'' Rachel cocked a disbelieving eyebrow.  
Bucky huffed and folded his arms, his biceps bulging.  
''Can I dance?'' he asked her, looking far from impressed.

''I won't believe it until I see it.'' Rachel said daringly.  
A small voice at the back of her mind questioned what she was doing.

_You would never have done this with another patient.  
_But he's not just another patient. Rachel reasoned, he's different, he needs me.

_As much as you need him? _

Oh shut up.  
She tutted internally.

Bucky sprung to his feet and Allie's tail thumped the ground as she watched.  
He extended a hand to Rachel. ''Come on then, if you don't believe me.''  
''I don't dance.'' Rachel held up her hands.

Bucky leaned down and plucked the laptop from her.  
He placed it on the bed and returned to face her, this time he held out two hands.  
''I'm good enough for the both of us.'' Bucky grinned his stupid grin and Rachel was lost.

She was certain this was him, she had found the beginnings of the man he had once been.  
Steve had told her Bucky had been a flirt, the girls loved him and he loved them. He had been a smart mouth with a heart of gold.

Rachel hesitated but Bucky grasped her wrists and pulled her to her feet.

Steve leaned over Tony's shoulder to stare at the monitor.  
''Holy cow.'' He murmured.  
They were dancing. They were actually _dancing. _  
''She's pretty good.'' Tony looked impressed.

Steve nodded. He was not sure if he would ever see his friend come back to him.  
He had a vague recollection of being towed from the water after the helicarriers had come down in D.C. But he wasn't sure what had happened.  
He remembered Bucky over him, fist raised but eyes unsure.  
He had caught a glimpse of the man he had known once then. His best friend, his brother in arms.

But now as he stared at the monitor, and Bucky spun Rachel around with the smallest amount of effort as the slightly overweight dog bounded in between them, jumping and barking, he saw the Bucky, as he had not seen him in a long time.

''Yeah.'' He agreed with Tony, ''She's good alright.''  
A knock at the door startled both of them.  
_''It's Doctor Fisher Sir.'' _J.A.R.V.I.S piped up before Tony could ask.  
He and Steve frowned at one another before Tony called for him to come in.

Fisher was smiling warmly and apologised for intruding.  
Steve stood to his full height and stared down at him.

''I just, I would like to apologize for my behaviour regarding Doctor Reid and Sargent Barnes. It was childish. Please forgive me.''  
''You're not getting back on Project Defrost.'' Steve hissed, and Fisher held up his hands in defence.  
''Nor would I ask for it, I understand completely after yesterday's events.'' He conceded, and Steve relaxed a little.

''So why are you here Fisher?'' Tony cut to the chase. The Doctor had not come for apologies alone. Something else was playing on his mind.  
''I would like to take some personal time to myself. Now that Doctor Reid is looking after Sargent Barnes, I would like to take a couple of weeks – visit my girls – maybe take a vacation? I am not as young as I once was.'' He smiled genially.

Tony shrugged, ''Shouldn't be a problem now Doctor Reid is here.''  
''Wonderful, thank you so very much.'' He inclined his head and was about to leave when he paused- hand on the door- ''I thought I might look in on them before I left? Strictly amicable, I should like to apologize to Sargent Barnes.''

Tony and Steve hesitated.  
And it was Steve who spoke.  
''I'll have an Agent escort you down.''

''Okay –'' Rachel was breathless – ''Okay I'm done.'' She was laughing as she fell back into the chair then hissed as her leg tightened of its own accord.

Bucky was at her side in an instant.  
''Are you alright.''  
''I'm fine.'' Rachel said through gritted teeth.

''It's my question – last one right?'' Bucky eyed her carefully, and Rachel looked up.  
Her eyes were wary all of a sudden.  
''Yes.'' She breathed.

''What's wrong with you? You had a stick before. Is it an injury?''  
She did not have the heart to lie to him – though in the long it would have been easier for them both.  
''No – it's not an injury Bucky.'' She took a deep breath and broke another of her rules.  
_Never tell your patients you're on a slow but steady path to death.  
_And she told him. She told him everything, she was not sure why she felt the need to go into the details of her disease, but she explained them all to him. She told him it would kill her, but she did not know did not speak then. Though Rachel was not sure what he could have said.

He looked at her, and Rachel couldn't decipher the look in his eyes.  
''But I promise you, I'll be here as long as I can.''

Then he did something that took both of them by surprise. It was as if he had not thought that he would actually go through with it.  
But he hugged her. He hugged her tighter and more warmly than Rachel had ever been hugged in her life, and though it took her brain a moment to realise just what was going on, she hugged him back.

''I'll help you.'' Bucky murmured. ''I'll help you because you helped me.''

_There's nothing you can do. _She wanted to tell him, but at that moment, she was contented knowing he cared.

A knock on the door caused Allie to bark angrily, and Rachel and Bucky disentangled themselves from one another.  
''I'll get it.'' She assured Bucky, and got stiffly to her feet. Bucky followed, but stayed a couple of feet behind her, lurking like a shadow.

''Doctor Fisher?'' Rachel frowned when she opened the door.  
She could have sworn she head the muscle in Bucky's jaw tighten.

Allie snarled from Bucky's side, causing Rachel to turn and frown. Allie rarely growled at anyone, and this stance – hackles risen, teeth bared were something Rachel had never seen before.  
''Hello – I come in peace – '' he held up his hands, ''May I come in?'' he asked.

Bucky was shushing Allie when Rachel turned to look at him, her eyes wordlessly asked the question.  
Bucky gave a non-committal shrug and made his way to the far corner by the window, where he stood – ghost like, with Allie glowering at his side.

Rachel stood back and opened the door wide. An Agent she had not met before entered after him.  
''Captain Rogers sent her with me.'' Fisher said by means of explanation.  
The Agent did not remove her eyes from Fisher.

''What do you want?'' Rachel stepped around Fisher and placed herself in between him and Bucky.  
''I came to apologise. I was out of order yesterday.'' He was speaking to Bucky, but his eyes never left Rachel. It was made her a little uncomfortable, she could not figure out what was behind those eyes. It was something she had never seen before.

Bucky did not answer him, and Fisher smiled.  
''With any luck they'll let you out of this room soon.'' Fisher looked at Rachel again, a smile so false colouring his face that Rachel's eyes narrowed.  
''You should take him out. It would be of great benefit t-''  
''Are you _done?_'' Rachel hissed.

Fisher looked amused.  
''Good day to you both. I'll see both of you – very soon.'' He inclined his head, and backed out of the room, eyes trained on Allie as she lowered herself to the ground and stalked her way closer to him.

''Good-bye Doctor Fisher.'' Rachel snapped, and slammed the door after him.


	13. No Reason Yet To Die

**AN : **Hello my lovelies, lyrics in the title are from **Somebody To Die For - The Hurts.**

F.E  
XxX

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen :**

_I've got nothing left to live for  
Got no reason yet to die  
But when I'm standing in the gallows  
I'll be staring at the sky  
Because no matter where they take me  
Death I will survive  
And I will never be forgotten  
With you by my side_

* * *

They had stood in silence after Fisher left them.  
An uncomfortable silence at that. Fisher's arrival had dragged Rachel back to reality.  
What was she doing here? She had not contacted her mother, nor any of her colleagues at work. She had merely abandoned her old life in lieu of spending time with Bucky.

She stared at the hard wood of the door, and her head began to ache. Had she, not moments ago danced with him? Laughed with him? Hugged him?

This was not proper conduct, she was not being professional.  
_You are going to die. You are going to die someday in the near future._

This cold truth was something she reminded herself of when she got too close to someone. It was hard enough leaving her mother behind, but she would not do to others what her father had once done to her.  
Bucky was already so lost, she did not feel she would do him justice to allow him in, only to leave him out in the cold when her time came.

It was selfish to allow him in, it would help for now, but in the end it would only hurt both of them all the more.

''Right, where were we?'' Rachel's tone was sharp, and as she turned, she saw Bucky's head tilt a little at the change.  
She continued in that manner for the rest of the day, every time she felt her resolve failing she simply reminded herself of why she was keeping him at arm's length.

She all but groaned in relief when J.A.R.V.I.S interrupted them to tell her that the lab results she had asked for were ready.

Rachel rose quickly and excused herself, Bucky looked confused.  
''I don't know how long this will take. If I don't come back, I'll see you tomorrow.'' She nodded stiffly.  
''Okay.'' Bucky's voice was a little broken, and Rachel had to turn away from him.  
''Allie, come.''  
The dog hurried to her side, and she clipped the lead on, leaving the room without a goodbye.

Steve met her on the corridor, just as she was asking an Agent if there was somewhere she could let Allie outside for a couple of minutes.

''How about taking her for a walk round the park Agent Hobbs?'' Steve smiled over Rachel's shoulder.  
If Agent Hobbs was affronted at being asked to take Rachel's dog for a walk, he did not show it.

''Did Fisher call?'' Steve turned to face Rachel as she handed Allie over to Agent Hobbs.  
''What?-'' Rachel was a hundred miles away, ''-Fisher? Yeah he did.''  
Steve nodded, looking stoic.  
''You heading to the lab?'' he asked.

Rachel seemed to come back to the present moment.  
''Yes, yes I am and actually I was wondering, I know you haven't given one before – well there's no record of your blood on file.''  
''I made a point not to give it before, I didn't want them to try and re-make the formula.'' Steve said rather pointedly.  
''I understand, and I don't even need a full sample, I just need something to compare against Bucky's.'' Rachel explained.  
Steve frowned.  
''Why?''

''I read his file, and putting that with what you've said about him being tested on prior to his fall. They must have given him something to allow him to survive. I wonder if Hydra hadn't figured it out by themselves.''  
Steve's frown deepened.  
''I wondered about that myself. But surely if Hydra had a hold of the formula, they would have annihilated us by now.'' He offered.

Rachel looked uncertain. ''Not necessarily. I mean you don't know what they're hiding right? Bucky has done most of their dirty work and they've gone un-noticed up until now, but what if he is just the tip of the iceberg? For all you know, there's an army of Bucky's lying in hiding somewhere.''

The thought was not a comforting one.  
Both of them hoped she was wrong.

''Your blood won't give away the serum, it will just tell me whether they perfected it or not. If Bucky's shows the same mutations as yours, they figured it out. If not – well they're probably almost there, but not quite.''

Steve deliberated for a long moment.  
''Alright.''

''How long before we will have them Herr Engel?'' Schwartz was pacing anxiously around the small apartment of the Doctor.  
''Patience Schwartz. This will take some time. We cannot rush and risk losing them. 7145 is the only one of our little ones to make it to adult hood. We need to bring her home.'' Engel clamped a hand – none too gently on Schwartz's shoulder and pushed him into a nearby chair.

* * *

''Wanda. How was it?''  
The young woman in the corner blinked and stared at him, she did not answer, but merely nodded once.  
''Keep an eye on them won't you? They may need your _guidance _from time to time.''  
''Ja, Herr Engel.''

* * *

''Do you think it's too soon for me to visit him?'' Steve asked as the needle broke his skin.  
Rachel considered his question as she drew a tiny amount of blood. The lab was empty as it so happened and she was delighted to be able to work in peace.  
''No. No today went well. I think it would be okay. Just don't – ''she paused as she withdrew the needle.  
''-_don't push him_. Talk about the weather, simple things he's experienced since he came here. Talk about Allie, music, the room, if he brings up the past – that's great. Just don't push him too hard.'' Rachel applied a little bud of cotton and a bright blue band aid, eliciting a grin from Steve.

''He likes you I think.'' Steve said suddenly, and Rachel froze.  
''That's good.'' She said stiffly.  
Steve frowned. ''You don't say it like it's a good thing.''

Rachel spun her chair so her back was to him, and she put a stopper in Steve's vial and labelled it.  
''It's not – I mean yes _obviously_ it is. But I don't want him getting too attached.'' She placed the vial beside Bucky's and began reading the notes accompanying his returned samples.  
She was glad to see he had not tested positive for anything, though Orla had attached a note saying there were several _anomalies _in his blood that they had been unable to identify. Rachel did not have to look at them to guess the anomalies she was talking about were due to some sort of testing, and her hunch told her it had been Zola's attempt at the super soldier serum.

''Why not?'' Steve placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, and a course of anger ripped through Rachel.  
It happened every now and again, usually in a circumstance as such, when she had to close off an avenue of her life that was as of yet unexplored for the fear of the unknown was too much.  
''Because I'm _dying_ Steve! Could be three years, could be twenty, could be tomorrow for all I know.'' She snapped, shrugging his hand off her.

She heard him sigh and the chair turned around before she could stop it and she was facing his horrendously blue eyes. But she did not see pity as she saw so many times when she had her outbursts. He did not pat her on the back and tell her everything was going to be okay. He wasn't about to lie.  
Instead he levelled her with those eyes of the brightest blue.

''Yes you are.'' He said slowly. ''You are dying. But does that mean you have to die in here first. –'' he pointed to her chest. ''My mother was sick for a long time, when the doctors told her she was dying, I remember I wouldn't do anything but sit by her bed. I was so afraid of what was coming that I forgot to enjoy those last few months with her. She left a letter when she died, I wish I still had it, I don't remember all she wrote, but I remember the last line so well, and I'll take it with me until the day I die.''  
Steve sighed and looked at Rachel.  
''_If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you will never enjoy the sunshine._''

Rachel repeated the quote slowly. She liked it, she liked the image of it and what it stood for.

She took a deep breath and the weight of the day left her.  
Without another word, Steve rose.

''I'm gonna go see Buck. Then I'll collect your dog and meet you here – '' he checked his watch. ''Say six-thirty?''  
''Thanks Steve.'' Rachel smiled genuinely, and Captain America saluted her with a grin.

She had been right, there was very little difference between Steve's blood and Bucky's. To the untrained eye, one might say they were the same. But there were subtle differences that Rachel took note of, she would- when Bucky was a little more sure of himself, conduct tests to see if the differences translated into their physical's.  
She was just about to finish for the night, bowed over her notepad in the darkening lab as the autumn sun began it's slow descent outside, when an idea came to her.  
It was as if divine intervention had taken place, she could not figure where this idea had come from, yet a small voice in the back of her mind breathed life into it.

_What if you compared your blood with theirs? Who knows what secrets their blood holds._

She glanced at the clock. She had fifteen minutes. Rachel bit her lip.

She pricked her finger placed the three samples into the machine. It thrummed loudly, yet she barely heard it over the pounding in her ears.  
_This is stupid. _She told herself.

She was about to stop the process when the machine began to slow.  
Then came the print out.

Rachel read, re-read and read it again for good measure. She even took another sample of her own blood, and ran the screening test again.  
There it was. Plain as day.

There had to be a mistake. Surely.  
Yet it was there.

The anomalies in her sample were identical to the anomalies in Bucky's sample.  
_That can't be. _She thought.

''That doesn't make any sense.''

''You about ready to go?'' Steve had stuck his head in the door, and Rachel could hear Allie's tail pounding off the wall in the corridor.

''Er – sure – yup… Just – just gimme a sec.'' she stammered, taking the two print outs and stuffing them into her jeans.  
She grabbed her blood sample, and Steve's and tossed them into the small incinerating unit on the wall.

* * *

She was quite on the ride home, but Steve did not hassle her. Instead he spoke about his visit with Bucky. How they had talked and although Bucky was not his fully functioning self just yet, Steve now felt entirely confident that it would be no time at all before his friend was ''Chatting up dames and dancing the night away.''  
When they arrived at the house, Rachel did not invite Steve in.  
''I'll see you tomorrow, I'm going to go to bed early, I've got a terrible headache.'' She half-heartedly lied, opening the back door and letting Allie out.  
''You okay here on your own?'' Steve asked, cocking an eyebrow.  
''Yeah, night Steve.''

''Nig-'' she had slammed the car door and was hurrying into the house before he could finish.  
A frown furrowed his brow and he shook his head.  
''Some things might be different, but women are still as confusing as ever.'' He muttered to no one in particular.

* * *

Steve had parked the car and was checking his phone before he saw the folded piece of paper wedged in the passenger seat.  
Tugging it out, he unfolded it and sat, staring at it for several minutes before he was able to decipher the medical jargon.

''What?'' he gasped, running his finger along the clearly stated results.  
James B. Barnes and Steve Rogers **NO MATCH. **_Similar mutations detected._  
Steve Rogers and Rachel Reid **NO MATCH. **_Similar mutations detected._  
James B Barnes and Rachel Reid **FULL MATCH. **_Identical mutations detected._

Steve picked up his phone and dialled the number without looking.  
''Fury.''  
''Nick. We need to talk.''


	14. Wonder What's Wrong With Me?

**AN :** Lyrics are from Lithium by Evanescene.  
Much love,  
F.E.  
xXx

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen : **

_I Can't Hold Onto Me,_  
_I Wonder What's Wrong With Me_

* * *

The following morning, Rachel lay awake listening to the rain throw itself against her window.  
It was still early, too early to ring, so she text.

**Hi Steve. Not feeling great. I don't think I'll make it in. Tell Bucky I'm sorry.**

She pressed send and rolled over, pressing her face into the pillow and sighing loudly.

Rachel had not slept much, and when she had slept her dreams were littered with images of test tubes and needles, dark halls and doctors speaking languages she didn't understand.  
_  
You're taking on Bucky's problems. _She warned herself as she lay there, head in her hands.

It had happened her before, if she empathized too much with a patient, sometimes she found it hard not to bring work home.

The last time it had happened, it was another soldier, who after returning from her third tour, had had a mental breakdown. She had been referred to Rachel, who had learned that she had been repeatedly assaulted by her superiors and hazed by her comrades because of it.

It had taken months to stop dreaming about her.

Now it was Bucky's turn she supposed.

_Bucky._

Rachel shook her head, and Allie twitched in her sleep.

How could they have the exact same mutations and anomalies? It made no sense.

It frightened her.  
She tried to tell herself that it was coincidence. There was no logical explanation.

Her phone buzzed and she jumped.  
It was six in the morning, she sure as shit hadn't expected any reply.

**I will call over later. Stay inside today.**

Rachel stared at her phone for a long time. _Stay inside?_

The sinking feeling that had been growing in her stomach twisted uncomfortably, and she sat up.  
There had been some part of her, however small and insignificant, wondered if the last couple of days coupled with this new discovery were not simple coincidence.

''_Fuck sake_.'' She murmured to herself, and put her phone on the locker. Who was she fooling? She was no super soldier. She was a psychiatrist, with a disease that was killing her from the inside out.

Allie rolled over and sat up.  
The Labrador huffed and licked her mistress's ear.  
''Ugh…good morning.'' Rachel pushed her away gingerly, as with a groan, she hauled herself from the bed.  
She would have coffee, and consider her options.

* * *

''Push _harder_ Wanda.'' Engel hissed as Wanda relayed what she had imparted upon 7145 so far.  
''The rift has been created Herr Engel, you still wish me to push her away?''  
''She must question S.H.I.E.L.D. Then she will they are not to be trusted. Then she will come to us willingly.''

Wanda nodded silently as she eyed Fisher, who was staring absently out of a window, his expression devoid of any hint of emotion.

''Barnes?''  
Engel grinned. ''Ah yes and of course we must bring home our soldier. He has been away too long.'' Engel fingered the small pistol in his hand, fixing a silencer onto it.

''Once 7145 understands, get them out of S.H.I.E.L.D. I will send for reinforcements, and we will take them.'' Engel did not look away from Wanda, and neither of them so much as blinked at the sudden muted sound of the gun.  
Nor did either of them look as Fisher fell to the floor in a heap, eyes blank and blood pooling.

''Come.'' Engel said, stepping over Fisher's prone figure, and striding towards the door without a second thought for the life he had just ended so callously.

* * *

Rachel was not the only one who had had an exceptionally long night.  
Steve Rogers had spent his night in the company of Nick, Tony and Natasha.

There had been much discussion, then arguing, before a full blown fight had almost broken out.

Steve had left somewhere around midnight, his usual cool and calm demeanour broken. Despite Natasha running after him and telling him to come back and they would talk about it.

Steve had rounded on her then, anger coursing through him.  
''You lied Nat. _Again. _You go and tell Fury to be ready, because I'm bringing them – _both of them _up here tomorrow and you are going to explain everything. No more lies, or I'll wipe my hands with S.H.I.E.L.D for the last time.''

She had let him go then, her face betraying her emotions and Steve knew his words had cut deep, but he didn't care any more.

Late as the hour was as he walked down the corridor and spoke aloud.

''J.A.R.V.I.S.''  
''_Yes Captain Rogers_?''  
''When Buck wakes up, tell him I'll be coming to get him in the morning, we're going out.''  
''_Er – of course Sir_.''

* * *

''It just doesn't make any sense Lou.'' Rachel spoke to Luna, who sat by her side on the wide window ledge in the living room.  
The morning was dark and dreary and several bouts of thunder and lightning had brought bought cat and dog to her side.  
Rachel pulled her dressing gown tighter and sipped her third mug of coffee. Her phone played music from the docking station, and the sombre tones of a Lana Del Rey song filled the dim room to breaking point.

_''Feet don't fail me now… take me to the finish line…''_

Her head throbbed angrily, and she was repeatedly visited by images of things she did not recognise. She did not take her medication and was debating calling her own doctor as the images became so clear, it was as if she was there - in that moment- now.  
A dingy lab, flashing lights, a hazy liquid, the sound of babies and children crying. Pain, wailing, begging, pleading and a cold maniacal laughter.

Rachel groaned and placed her head against the wall. Closing her eyes, she willed the images out of her mind.

The Lana Del Rey song was cut short and Rachel's eyes flew open as her phone began to ring from the other side of the room and the present moment threw itself up to meet her eagerly.  
She glanced at the clock on the wall, it was almost eleven. Swinging her legs off the ledge, she hurried over and eyed the phone speculatively.

Rachel deliberated not answering when she saw Steve's number crop up, but thought better of it.  
''Morning.'' She brought the phone to her ear and leaned against the wall.

''We're on our way, we'll be there in fifteen minutes. If you aren't ready, get ready. I'm bringing you in.'' Steve's voice stern and Rachel could hear a second – deeper - voice murmuring in the background.  
''I'm not even dressed – look Steve I –''  
''You need to come in – go shower. We'll be there soon.''  
''Who's w-''  
The line went dead, and Rachel swore, stupid Captain America, ordering her around.

She put her head against the wall and groaned loudly.  
Shuffling to the bathroom, she slammed the door and stripped, unimpressed with Steve and his no nonsense attitude towards her.

The water was only lukewarm, so she washed quickly, throwing lotions and potions at her hair without thinking much of it.  
When she shut the water off, and grabbed a towel, voices floating down the corridor made her freeze.

_Somebody was in the house._

But the doors were locked.  
How did they get in? And why hadn't she heard Allie bark?  
Then a thought occurred to her and she swore violently.

Wrapping herself up and flinging open the bathroom door, she stomped up the corridor, her wet hair flying as she left a trail of damp footprints on the floor.  
The voices stopped as her feet slapped on the floor and Allie came bounding around a corner, almost as if to tell her that they had company.

''I _know._'' Rachel seethed, as she burst into the living room.

Steve was standing in front of the empty fireplace.  
''Super Soldier or not you've got some n-'' Rachel was cut short as she saw something move out of the corner of her eye.  
''_Bucky?_'' she gasped, as she saw him.  
He was seated where she had been only moments ago on the window ledge, and Luna - who seldom took a liking to anyone other than Rachel - was nestled against his chest.

Bucky looked positively mortified, and it was then that Rachel realised she was very scantily clad, but her shock at finding Bucky in her house somewhat outweighed the fact that she was only wearing a towel.

''Steve - what are you playing at? Why is Bucky here? _And how did you get in?_''  
She knew as soon as she said it that Bucky would take it the wrong way and he did.

If he had looked embarrassed before, now he looked as if he wished the ground would swallow him whole.

Rachel stumbled to amend her words.  
''No - Bucky it's not that I - I'm _glad _you're here, I just don't understand _why?_''

Bucky looked slightly mollified, to Rachel's relief.  
Steve looked pensive, he was also doing his damn best to look at her face and nothing else.

''Get dressed, we need to go.'' Steve's eyes were on the ceiling.  
''Tell me what's going on.'' Rachel gripped the towel tighter, as she became more and more uncomfortable, and confused by the current situation she found herself in.

''It's not my place to say, but you two are coming with me. We are going to see Fury - he's got a whole pile of explaining to do.'' Steve crossed his arms, and looked as though he would say no more.

And he didn't.

Rachel stomped back down to her room and dressed in no time at all.  
She was drawing her hair back into a French braid and kicking her feet into converse before hurrying back down to the living room.

''Are you ready?'' Steve had a set of car keys, Rachel's coat, and her briefcase in his arms.  
''What? Yes - I mean I guess so - but Jesus Steve can't you tell me what's going on?''

Bucky had been in the same spot she had left him in, but when she re-emerged fully clothed he stood up, allowing Luna to jump to the floor.  
There was day old stubble, and his hair was messy - unbelievably Rachel wondered briefly if he wanted it cut, but then she brought her attention back to more pressing matters.

Steve looked torn.  
''There's a lot to talk about - I wouldn't even know where to begin, I'd rather you both get the full story.''

Rachel held up her hands and shook her head.  
''Okay, okay fine whatever - lets go then.'' she shrugged.

* * *

''You guys jump in the back. I've got one more stop before we go back - and uh -'' Steve paused to look at Bucky ''-he isn't going to be to happy sitting beside you Buck.''  
Steve made his way to the car while Bucky stood by Rachel's side as she locked the door they had somehow opened without a key. He followed her like a shadow as the rain fell heavier still and they slipped into the back of the SUV.

There was an uncomfortable silence as Steve peeled out of Rachel's driveway, until she eventually piped up.  
''Who else are you grabbing?'' Rachel crossed her legs, and ran a hand through her hair.

''Sam Wilson - a good friend of mine.'' Steve said shortly.

Rachel shrugged and did not try to make conversation with him again. Though she noticed a muscle in his jaw tighten and relax, tighten and relax.

''I thought you weren't going to come today. Did I say something yesterday to upset you?''  
Bucky's voice made her jump, and she felt cool metal brush her fingers - she had almost forgotten he was there.

He was staring at her from the other side of the car. His eyes so full of depth and emotion that Rachel had a hard time not getting lost in them. He could be so childlike at times - not in a bad way - it was as if the emotions that had been held at bay for so long by what ever conditioning methods HYDRA had used on him were still difficult for him to understand.

She was vaguely aware of Steve watching them in the rear view mirror, but paid him no heed.

''_No._'' Rachel turned in her seat so she was faced him entirely, moving her hand to rest it on his.  
''Bucky no, really it was nothing you did - I - I just wanted some time to myself.''

Bucky looked slightly mollified, but he did not take his eyes off of her.  
''Are you sure?'' he asked uncertainly.  
When Rachel nodded keenly, Bucky took his eyes off her for the first time since getting in the car.  
''I _like _having you around. You make it - '' he paused, searching for the right words to convey the immensity of her significance to him.  
Here was this woman, who had - in the shortest of times - calmed the storm that had lived inside him for so long.

''-quiet, in here.'' he tapped his temple with his free hand, and Rachel smiled genuinely.  
In all this mess she had gotten herself into, Superheroes and S.H.I.E.L.D, there was Bucky. There was this man who had had so many wrongs done to him, yet he was still _there, _somewhere underneath the metal arm and the scars.

''I'm happy to help.'' Rachel grinned, and Bucky looked entirely appeased now, and he sank back into the cool leather of the seat.  
Rachel mimicked him, feeling more relaxed then she had done in the last 24 hours.

Bucky's hand moved beneath hers, and she felt their fingers intertwine, and Rachel didn't have the heart to pull away.

And then - then Rachel was no longer in the back of the SUV.

_Voices, words in languages she did not understand._ _  
_There was a cold table, she was naked, everything hurt.  
The light above her flickered and hummed. She could hear everything but her vision was blurred.  
_''Injizieren sie wieder.''_

''Rachel?'' she was shaken from her waking nightmare by Bucky.  
He was leaning across her and had his hands on either side of her face.

Steve had pulled in and had jumped out of the car, he hurried around and opened her door, so that when Rachel opened her eyes, she was staring at two worried faces. Another - unfamiliar face peered at her from between the seats.

''Wha-?'' Rachel blinked several times until she was able to focus.  
''Are you alright?''  
''I must have fallen asleep.'' Rachel murmured, confused, had it not been just that? A dream?

''I thought you did, but then you wouldn't wake up when Sam came. Buck tired to wake you, and then you started shaking and crying.'' Steve stared at her.

Bucky looked nothing short of terrified and Rachel's head throbbed.  
''I don't know what happened.'' she murmured, looking from them to the newcomer.

Steve chewed his lip.

''I - I didn't take my tablets this morning.'' Rachel fished for her hand bag.  
''No - '' Steve grabbed it before her.  
Rachel frowned, ''I don't understand.''

Steve ran his tongue along his bottom lip, ''You will - just don't take any more until after we talk to Fury.''  
Rachel's frown deepened.

''Can you please tell me what's going on Steve?'' Rachel demanded, her patience wearing thin.  
Bucky was looking at them with an uncertain expression and Steve sighed loudly.

''There are things you don't know. Things you should know. S.H.I.E.L.D has been lying to us.'' he said simply, then checked his watch.  
''We're meeting with Fury in ten minutes. He's going to tell you everything.''


	15. Sedated

**AN : **Hello my darlings, and my deepest apologies for the delay with this chapter, it's been a very busy couple of days. My new horse arrived, I was working a whole pile, and I felt that this chapter was just too important to rush. So here it is and I hope I've done it justice.  
To all who Review, Follow and Favourite - I can't thank you enough.  
Lyrics used are from **Sedated - Hozier, **if you haven't heard of him I would really recommend looking him up. He is sublime.

F.E  
XxX

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen : **  
_Sedated we're nursing on a poison that never stung_  
_Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it_

* * *

Rachel wasn't quite sure what exactly she had been expecting when she stepped into Nick Fury's office with Bucky at her side.  
He hadn't left her side since they parked the car, several stories below and began their ascent to Fury's office.  
She was too weary to notice that his eyes rarely left her, and his hand hovered inches from her lower back, waiting in case she would need his help.

She sure as _shit_ had not been expecting her mother and her Doctor.

''Doctor Reid, Sargent Barnes - have a seat.'' Fury gestured to the chairs in front of his desk.

''Mom?'' Rachel frowned, her brow furrowed in confusion as Eliza Reid stumbled forward, embracing her daughter tightly.

''Rachel darling how are you-''

Fury cleared his throat and Eliza pulled back quickly her expression pained and worried as she moved to stand next to Doctor Folan.

Eliza Reid was a tiny woman, her frame so slight a sharp gust of wind looked enough to knock her. Her hair was a copper colour, flecked with grey. Her cheek bones were high and her make-up perfect. Her neat dress suit gave an air of 'no bullshit, and did well to hide her exceptionally soft interior.

Doctor Folan on the other hand was a tall, broad, homely man, with a permanent smile a fixed to his bearded face.

He had been her Doctor for as long as she could remember, a friend of the family and an all-round amicable man who had made himself indispensable to Rachel over the years.

''Sit down darling.'' Eliza looked nervous, she fidgeted with her fingers and Rachel noted dumbly that the wedding ring she always bore was missing.

''You had my curiosity -'' Rachel glanced from Steve, cocking an eyebrow, to her mother, then Folan. ''- _now you have my attention.''_

She pulled up a chair and Bucky took the seat next to her.

''We have a lot to talk about.'' Fury sat back in his chair and placed his hands together.

''So I've heard and yet I have no idea why I - or Bucky, or they-'' Rachel motioned to her mother and Folan, ''- are here. So would someone be so kind as to enlighten me as to what the hell is going on?''

Steve leaned against a wall, a stony expression on his usually kind face, and Natasha stood stock still behind her boss, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.

''Doctor Folan - '' Nick gestured around the room. ''You know of the beginnings of our tale, why don't you start us off.''

Raymond Folan was almost eighty years old, but had the air of a much younger man. His white beard was pristine, and he pushed his glasses up his nose.

''This is not going to be easy, before we begin, I want you to know - both of you - that I did everything I could to save as many lives as I could.''

Rachel crossed her legs, and uncrossed them nervously, but she did not interrupt.

She felt as if she was standing on the edge of a cliff, counting down until she threw herself off it.

Rachel glanced at Bucky, who was staring at her, confusion clouding his eyes – he too seemed lost, and for once the thought was comforting, she was not alone.

Folan took a deep breath, he took off his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose and began to pace.

''I was in the business of infiltration at the time – of course S.H.I.E.L.D was still in its very early days. We were in an underground bunker outside of Cologne. Hydra was beginning to recover after the blows dealt in the war and our most honourable friend over here.'' He motioned to Steve who did not move.

He stood by the window, staring into the rain soaked streets of down town.

''He-'' Raymond motioned towards Bucky with a flick of his head, ''-had already been successfully re-conditioned to become the greatest assassin the world had ever seen. He was the very _fist_ of Hydra, the shadow in the dark to do all their dirty work. But one was not enough for Hydra. Why have one when they could have an army?

But of course there was a flaw. Zolo had only saved so much of his work when Captain Rogers came to free his friends. The serum he had perfected was gone.'' He paused, and sighed.

''Then came the trials - and the _many_ errors.''

Rachel was baffled, she almost laughed, _her doctor? Raymond Folan? _This was ridiculous, she made to speak but Fury held up a silencing hand. ''Hear him out.'' he said quietly.

''We learned very quickly that Sargent Barnes was incredibly unstable, he had to be reconditioned continuously. His mind fought us at every turn. Zolo grew frustrated, he managed to perfect another serum using some of Sargent Barnes blood. He wanted to make an army that would obey Hydra at every turn, who would understand and love their work. It was around that time that Die Verlorenen Kinder - The Lost Children,was put into play.

We learned that because of the presence of Barnes blood in the serum, we could only use subjects of the same blood-type. So they began -'' Folan looked disgusted.

''They began _breeding_ subjects for themselves. Hiring men and women and screening their blood types, matching them and paying the women to become pregnant. Babies that were born with the correct blood type were taken from their mothers. They were treated with the serum.'' he trailed off, shaking his head in disgust at the memories.

''I met your father there.'' Eliza stepped forward. ''He was one of the scientists on the project. He had reached out to my agency in Holland - he had several misgivings about the project. Most of the babies that were tested on were taken in and out of cryo as needed. It had been three years, so some were walking and talking, some had spent so little time out that they were still babies.

Hydra had not foreseen the problems that injecting babies with a super serum was going to cause.'' Eliza gave a short - unconvincing laugh. ''Three year old children able to lift grown adult.''

Rachel's stomach was doing backflips, and she felt slightly nauseous. Her head throbbed and she tried to make sense of what her mother was telling her.

''Your father wanted to get out Rachel.'' Eliza's eyes welled with tears, ''He knew what he was doing was wrong, he tried to right that wrong.''

''You were the smallest of the children, your mother died giving birth to you prematurely. You were so weak, they used you as a blood bank for him.'' she cocked her chin in Bucky's direction. ''They brought you to the brink of death so many times to save him. Draining your blood and then throwing you back into cryo like a piece of garbage... _So we stole you_.'' Eliza was chewing her lip as silent tears streamed down Rachel's white face.

Bucky's eyes flickered as the images and scenes Eliza described flashed before his eyes. _He knew her_, of course he did, and Folan too - though he had gone by another name then. _Ganther wasn't it?_

''Raymond – and S.H.I.E.L.D helped us get you out. We changed our names, forged marriage certificates and documentation. We brought you to America to start a new life.''

''You were six months old when we saw the first effects of the serum, the shaking. We were so frightened Hydra would find us, we didn't know what to do. Raymond came up with an idea so brilliant it fooled every one – even other doctors. He found a drug to counteract the effects of the serum. What the serum enhanced, the L. Dopa slowed down – it was a new drug at the time, barely being used for human trials, but he made it work.  
The shakes and tremors that mimicked the effects of Parkinsons, were simply your muscles trying to shake off the effects of the drug.''

Rachel stared at her mother, her head in a tailspin. This was surreal. _This was a joke._

''We had four good years. But they never stopped searching for you, and your father, he was a traitor and to Hydra, there can be no greater crime, we moved from state to state, but they were always just over our shoulders.''

Rachel looked up now, her brow furrowed.

''But they never found us.'' her voice was little more than a whisper.

''_I did._'' Bucky's voice made them all turn.

Rachel had been too preoccupied with her own life falling apart in front of her that she had not thought to look at him.  
His eyes were closed, and he put his head into his hands, and when lifted his head and looked at her, she saw a certainty and a clarity in his eyes that was almost devastating.

Rachel actually heaved at this point, the memory, suppressed for so long came back with such force she was winded.

_The Shadow. The Voice. _It was_ Bucky._

''I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I killed him because he was a traitor, I did but then I saw the girl –'' he looked at Rachel imporingly – ''she had a bear and she was so small, and she was crying and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I told them I did it. I lied.'' his words came out so fast it was hard to understand him, but Rachel got the gist.

''Rachel, darling -'' Eliza made to step forward and Rachel stood up sharply.

''Get away from me!'' she spat.

''Hydra are back, they are bigger than ever and the files that have become available to us since the incident at Washington lead us to believe that they are planning something. If the other Lost Children are still alive, they will all be around your age, with a lifetime of training behind them. They could have an army for all we know.'' Fury stood up now, his arms behind his back.

''You knew? _Before you hired me_, you knew about this?'' she said, her voice dangerously low.

Nick considered her for a long moment.

''Yes. I knew.''  
''You hired me to treat the man who was sent to murder me?''  
To her surprise, Fury did not flinch. But Bucky did - so hard that she almost apologised to him.

''I can't do this.'' Rachel rose, looking at them all, the lump in her throat so big it threatened to choke her.

And she bolted.

Not one of them followed her, though Eliza had screamed and sobbed after her, and had made to follow when Folan threw his arms around her.

''Let her go Liza. Give her time.'' He murmured, his own voice thick with emotion.

After a moment, when speech returned to him, Bucky looked at Steve who had a world weary expression on his face.

Bucky rose, and everyone paused to stare at him.

Fury looked as if he was about to say something but Bucky levelled him with a gaze.

''I'm going to find her. You put that damn tracker in me any ways. You'll know where to find me.'' He growled so low, that Fury help up his hands in a peaceful manner, and sat back into his chair, shaking his head.

He said no more, nor did any one try to stop him as he stormed from the room, and they stood in silence as they heard his running footsteps recede down the corridor.

''That went well.'' Fury cocked an eyebrow and sat back in his chair.

Eliza was sobbing now and Folan looked dejected. Steve glared at Natasha.

''Your part might have gone unheard today, but don't think I'll forget it Nat.'' he said stiffly, and turned, leaving the room with a hand on the back of his head.

* * *

She was running hell for leather across the garage door when the other elevator opened. Her muscles ached and protested as she ran. How long had it been since she had run? She was told she couldn't. There were so many things she had not done because Folan had simply told her that she couldn't.

''Rachel!'' Bucky's voice echoed across the cavernous garage, making her stop dead in her tracks.

She turned and saw him, looking distressed and panic stricken.

''Go _away_ Bucky.'' the tears were flowing heavily, and there was nothing she could do.

She was not a super soldier, or one of these Lost Children. They were insane, all of them. Bucky had not murdered her father - or the man that had been posing to be her father.

As the thoughts swam and her legs shook, Rachel felt the blood drain from her face.

Bucky knew she was going to pass out before she did, so he ignored her command and ran, as fast as he could to her, and he caught her, just before her head hit the concrete.

''Rachel.'' He breathed, sitting cross-legged on the cool concrete floor with her head in his lap.  
Her eyes rolled and she was sickly pale.  
The tears were still thick and heavy, and he managed to croak out an almost childlike – ''I wanna go home.''  
For the first time in a very long time, Bucky felt a lump rise in his own throat.  
''I'll get you home.'' He murmured, and rose, taking her with him, and carrying her – bridal style – to the SUV she had fallen beside.  
It took a bit of shuffling, but he managed to open the back door and slide her onto the back seats.

Once she was in what appeared to be a reasonable comfortable position, he shut the door and ran his metal hand through his hair.  
He took a deep breath and reminded himself that right now, she needed his help. She had given him so much since their first meeting, now it was his time.

Upon sitting into the driver's seat, Bucky very quickly realised that he only had a vague recollection of where Rachel lived, driving was not a problem. It was second nature to him, and the SUV looked a reasonable straightforward vehicle to operate.  
The engine roared to life as he twisted the key, and seeing the Stark logo on the steering wheel. Bucky wondered.  
''J.A.R.V.I.S?'' he asked aloud, feeling a little stupid.  
''Yes Sergeant Barnes?'' the smooth tones of the computing system replied immediately.  
Bucky breathed a sigh of relief.

''I need to get to Doctor Reid's house.''  
''Certainly Sir.'' J.A.R.V.I.S replied.  
And before Bucky could even put his belt on, the SUV began to reverse out of the parking space of its own volition, and Bucky could only look on with an impressed expression, as the blacked out vehicle began to drive itself.

Glancing in the rear view mirror, Bucky saw Rachel stir, and he couldn't help but reach back and take her hand.  
They would get through this together, and though it made him sick to realise it, it seemed for now, that both of them had a few skeletons in their closets that were begging to be let out.


	16. Scared To Death

**AN : **Two chapters in one day? My my, I'm in a creative mood today eh? I'm glad you are all enjoying my little story so far. Here's to many more enjoyable chapters for you. Chapter Sixteen is shorter chapter than usual, but with an inclination of things to come. Those of you who are under age and are reading this, here lies the final warnings. From here on in, this story is going to take a dark turn. Several trigger warnings will apply. Violence, scenes of a sexual nature.  
You've been warned.  
Lyrics are from **Sad - Maroon 5**  
Much love,  
F.E  
xXx

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen :**  
_Oh, but I'm scared to death,_  
_That there may not be another one like this,_  
_And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread._

* * *

When Rachel came to, she was lying on her sofa.  
Bleary eyed, and head throbbing, she tried to sit up.

''Whoa – take it easy.'' A large, cold hand pressed lightly into her chest and pushed her back down.  
The voice and the cool metal against the bare skin of her collar bone made her eyes snap open.  
''Bucky?'' she half breathed, half gasped.

Then it all came rushing back, with a rush that made Rachel groan aloud.  
She stared at the ceiling.  
''What happened?'' she murmured.  
''You – eh you passed out, in the car park. I put you in the car and J.A.R.V.I.S got us here. I found a key in your bag and brought you in here.'' He paused, and Rachel looked at him, he was kneeling beside the sofa, his hair mussed and bags under his eyes.  
He looked so upset and endearing that Rachel placed her hand on his.

She patted it, ''Thank you.'' She murmured, and rose, slower this time.  
Rachel ran a hand through her hair and exhaled loudly.  
She looked at Bucky then, whose hand had fallen and rested uncertainly on her knee.  
His eyes – the brightest of blue that she had ever seen were imploring.  
And Rachel knew that she couldn't be angry at him. In truth it was not his fault.

''I ran a bath in case – I don't know R - I don- Rachel I ca-''  
''It's alright Bucky.'' Rachel blinked slowly, her brain had not managed to comprehend the situation she now found herself in, the only thing she knew was that Bucky was not to blame.

Bucky was the gun.  
But he was not to blame.  
You don't blame the gun, you blame the guy that built it, and you blame the guy that fired that gun.

Bucky gasped, and he looked on the verge of tears.  
He made to speak but Rachel held a quivering finger to his lips. Her other hand grasped the back of his head and she drew him towards her, as he heaved with silent, dry sobs.

''It's alright.'' Rachel fought her own tears. ''They used us both Bucky. They lied to both of us.''  
Bucky wrapped his arms around her, and they stayed like that, for a very long time.  
She had to wonder at him, and the absolute urge she felt to protect him, it was instinctual, almost maternal. Of course he did not need her protection in a physical sense. This Soldier who could go toe to toe with Captain America and hold his own. It was his mental and emotional state that Rachel felt the need to safeguard. Because as she had grown to know him, and in the short time they had spent together, Rachel felt that she had gotten to know him reasonably well – she wondered if underneath the cool exterior and the confusion, lay a young man from Brooklyn, who was a victim of circumstance.  
Bucky was not a knife in the dark, he was not some mechanised weapon. He was a man, a good man, that had had unspeakable things done to him, and Rachel was damned if she was going to let S.H.I.E.L.D do to him what Hydra had once done.  
No they would not test and recondition him, but they still wanted to use him. Use both of them, and Rachel was not going to let that happen. She was not some toy in this world of super heroes and villains.

* * *

''Are they alone Wanda?'' Engel breathed. The figures behind him stood ominously still. There was no shuffling anxiously. There was only sheer control.  
''Ja Herr Engel.'' Wanda was there in body, but not mind. She could see them, both of them in the living room together.  
''Time to go dark.'' Engel murmured and Wanda nodded once, almost imperceptibly.  
''Gey Bereit.'' He whispered to his children, _get ready. _  
The soldiers stiffened, their fingers tightening on their weapons.  
''Time to go dark.'' Wanda repeated, and she set about doing her masters bidding.

* * *

It started as a tiny tingling, a mere niggling in the back of her mind, and it wasn't until Bucky stiffened in her arms that Rachel became concerned.  
''Buck-?''  
First he frowned at her, and then as recognition dawned on his face, he was on his feet in an instant, Bucky had left her embrace and was on his feet. His eyes were wild as the room began to dim.  
''Run.'' He breathed, looking panic stricken. His bright eyes were blind with panic and his mouth could not convey the sheer fear that was growing from within.

''What?'' Rachel frowned, and got stiffly to her feet.  
''They're here.'' Bucky was looking frantically around the room, as the shadows on the floor lengthened.  
''What? Bucky what the hell is going on?'' Rachel stepped towards him, but Bucky looked more panicked than ever.  
''Rachel they're _here_.'' Bucky grasped her by the shoulders and pushed her towards the door.  
''GO !'' he roared as the fear took hold and he knew what was about to happen before it did. He knew he was going back, and he thought that he could cope with that, but he knew – as he looked at Rachel that after all she had done, after they had danced and shared with one another what Bucky had not shared or been able to share with anyone for so many years – that it would be worse than death to watch them take her.  
She was the light at the end of the tunnel that had been Hydra. She had taken his scattered memories and helped him put them back in order. He had to protect her as he had once done for Steve all those years ago. She needed him, and he would not let her down.

Then the room was plunged into a darkness so immense that Rachel screamed and reached for Bucky in the inky blackness.  
''_Ah mien kinder._'' The voice sent shivers up and down the length of Bucky.  
He knew that voice, just like he had known that feeling crawl into the back of his mind.  
Bucky was fully aware that what he was seeing was not real, however that did not make it any easier to see.  
He had worked with the Scarlett Witch several times, he remembered her methods. She could make one see whatever she desired, Engel's favourite had always been blackness.  
_''A darkness so pure, one could only step into a new light.'' _Bucky remembered those words, as if they had been etched into his very soul.

''Bucky.'' Rachel whimpered at his side and he clutched her to him.  
''How good it is to see you – that will do for now Wanda.'' He added in an after tone.

The darkness left as soon as it had come, the sudden light was disorientating. Rachel noticed several things all at once.  
They were surrounded by masked figures in black carrying intimidating firearms.  
Ally came thundering up the hallway the Labrador had been snoring on her mistresses bed, but the screaming had brought her snarling, hackles raised and her teeth bared.  
''Don't look.'' Bucky pulled her tight against him, her face pressed into the soft cotton of his t-shirt, his cheek against her hair, she could hear his heart hammering. There was a bang, a high-pitched yelp and a thud, followed by such a silence that all Rachel could hear and think of, was the beat of Bucky's heart.

''Ally?'' Rachel whimpered, but Bucky shushed her and held her tighter.  
''I will come – just leave her. She won't talk, I know she won't, just let her go.'' Bucky spoke to the room at large, he had no chance of survival if he fought. There were over a dozen of them, and he knew what they were. What had once been lost children were now very grown up, very dangerous soldiers.

Engel laughed a loud, haughty laugh as he threw back his head.  
''Come now Sergeant Barnes. You and I both know that I could not leave one of my children behind.'' He held out his hands to Rachel.  
''How you have grown 7145. It is hard to believe you were once such a runt of a child that we debated throwing you to the hounds as food. Yet here you are, and you managed to make a liar out of Sergeant Barnes all those years ago. I never knew you know. I never thought he would defy me in such a manner, and all after all this time, here he is, still defying me. For you.'' He clapped his hands together.  
''So I believe I finally have my answer to keeping my Winter Soldier in line.''  
''No!'' Bucky roared, and he threw Rachel to the floor, he crouched low and sprung.

Engel side stepped him with the speed of a much younger man, and then they were upon him. Rachel screamed as he struggled in vain, but was pinned to the floor by no less than five of the soldiers – while the other several aimed their weapons at him.  
''Oh now let's not fight my darlings. We will be home soon, and you will be punished for your disobedience Sergeant Barnes.'' Engel placed his boot on Bucky's head and he groaned in pain, his teeth gritted and his blue eyes found Rachel's.  
He looked – apologetic. Guilty.  
''Stop it!'' Rachel screamed, scrambling to her feet. It was about that time that she saw her – Ally, her beautiful golden lab strewn out across the wooden floor, eyes unseeing and blood pooling from her mouth.  
She couldn't speak. Her mind had drawn a blank.  
''Setzen sie in den schlaf.'' Engel said dismissively.  
_Put her to sleep._

The soldier behind her pivoted, and smacked her with the butt of his gun. Rachel grunted and fell forward, falling onto the floor, her vision blurring, and as the edges of her vision darkened Rachel reached for Bucky.  
But then, there was nothing.

* * *

The senior analyst was playing tetris. Damn there was fuck all else to do since he had been placed on babysitting duty. The tracker flickered on the screen above him as he checked it for the umpteenth time that afternoon. He hissed an annoyance as he missed an opportune spot looking at Barnes screen.  
''Motherfucker.'' He murmured, and hit restart.  
The red blinking light above him was nothing short of irritating.  
It was seven levels in and eight glances up when he froze.

_Oh fuck…_  
Slowly, he looked up and let out a roar of indignation and horror.  
Barnes was gone. Gone.  
He swallowed, his mouth gone dry.

Then he ran, and shouted as loud as he could.  
''He's gone! Barnes is gone black. BARNES IS GONE BLACK!''


	17. So Much To Lose

**AN : **My darlings, forgive me please. I know I left you hanging and you have my most sincere apologies. The last couple of weeks have been utterly bananas.  
Much love, and I promise to try be more frequent in my updates.  
F.E.  
xXx

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen :  
**  
_I have nothing to give_  
_I have so much to lose_  
_I have nothing to give_  
_We have so much to lose..._

* * *

Marlon Warbeck was running as hard as he could, his words jumped from his mouth in short sharp gasps.  
''Barnes is gone! BARNES IS GONE!''  
When he reflected on the situation, it probably would have been better to simply alert J.A.R.V.I.S, who in turn would have told Marlon that he had already informed Fury, Rogers, Stark and Romanov.  
It would have saved Warbeck a black eye any how, for as he careened around a corner, he slipped crashing to the floor and taking three rather angry S.H.I.E.L.D Agents with him.

When J.A.R.V.I.S had alerted Steve, Tony, Natasha and Nick that Bucky was no longer traceable, there was a moment of serene silence as each of them digested the news in their own way.  
It was of course, Steve who bolted for the door first, with Tony and Natasha close behind.  
Fury called after them, Hollering that he would try get a hold of Barton and Banner.

* * *

_She was floating in a cocoon of sheer comfort. She was so warm and the bed was blissfully soft._  
_Nuzzling the pillow she sighed contently, and the arm around her bare waist tightened and she was gently pulled back against a strong bare chest._  
_She felt his breath at her ear before he whispered._  
_"Morning."_

_Rachel felt her heart race at the deep tones of his murmurings, and she shivered as she felt Bucky's day old stubble caress the back of her neck._  
_"Hi." She breathed and turned in his arms so she faced him._  
_His two perfectly normal arms held her tight, and upon his face was a brilliant smile._  
_Rachel ran her fingers through his shortened, tousled hair and grinned._

_"Coffee?" She asked as her fingers trailed down his cheek and danced across his jaw bone._  
_Bucky's eyes were half closed in bliss at her touch._  
_He bit his lower lip and his tongue snaked out for a moment. A gesture Rachel had come to adore._

_"Mmm... No. Coffee can wait." Bucky's eyes opened and they were filled with an emotion Rachel was all too familiar with._  
_Then he was on her. Pinning her to the bed, her two wrists caught together in one of his hands while he hovered above her, running his nose along her neck._

_"Bucky..." She breathed, he was holding her a little too tightly, it was beginning to hurt._

_"Bucky, ow - okay Bucky let me up." She squirmed under his grasp as he gripped her wrist tighter still._

_"Bucky!" She yelped, as he tore at the strap of her sports bra in a manner that was almost vicious._

_Then everything went black again._

* * *

"Wanda, what are you doing to her?" Bucky struggled against his bonds, and the chains clinked loudly in the otherwise silent room.

He was hanging by his arms, several inches off the floor, and as of yet he had not put up a fight.

Rachel had not awoken fully since they left New York, she had drifted in and out of her dreams induced by Wanda.

Bucky was certain they were far from New York now.

There had definitely been a truck, a boat, 2 plane rides, and he was vaguely aware of several more car journeys. They had had blind folds placed over their heads, and water throw at them at irregular intervals.

It had not been long since they had removed Bucky's blind fold.  
He found that they were both hanging, some ten metres apart, by thick black chains in a dark, windowless cell. The only like was from a dim, naked bulb in the centre of the room.

Wanda had been there since he had had his blindfold removed, simply sitting in the corner and eyeing Rachel with a vindictive, unpleasant expression.

Because though Bucky still saw what she wanted him to see, he knew it was happening and was able to keep his wits about him as she tried to manipulate him.  
Rachel however, could not know what was happening and was therefore unable to know that what her minds eye saw was not real. A fact Wanda seemed to thoroughly enjoy.

"I give her pleasant dreams. She thinks of you a lot. I see in the house she don't want to leave your side. Why? She love you maybe?" Wanda's broken English sounded forced and harassed.

"Wanda please." Bucky croaked. "Leave her alone."

Wanda's eyes widened, and her unpleasant smile grew wider as realisation dawned on her.

"Aha it is not her who love you. You love her? I am right yes?"  
She waved a finger at him in a scolding manner and tutted mockingly.

"It is a terrible thing, this love. It makes minds weak." She tapped her temple.  
"A weak mind is an easy mind to break." Wanda grinned, and Bucky groaned, staring at the floor and thinking as hard as he could.  
A sudden soft caress from Wanda across his bare midriff made him flinch.  
Wanda laughed lightly, a disturbing sound, out of place in their current surroundings.

"Herr Engel will be coming soon." She paused and glanced at Rachel who stirred a little.  
" Aaah, and now the sleeping beauty is waking. I leave you two loves alone."

The sharp snap of the cell door was enough to rouse Rachel fully.  
She woke with great rasping breaths. Her chest heaved and it took her sometime to fully understand her predicament.

''Rachel.'' Bucky grunted against his own chains fruitlessly. It was no good, even he would not be able to break them, but knowing this did not make him stop.

Her pupils dilated and then fixated on Bucky.  
Bucky saw her mouth open and close, as she looked rather like a fish out of water as she gaped at him.  
''B-Bucky?'' her voice was weak and cracked and filled with a mixture of concern and fear.

* * *

It was as if Rachel had awoken to a new world. Everything hurt, but thankfully, as her eyes opened, the world of dreams and nightmares that had tormented her, were little more than the vaguest of memories.  
Her body ached and upon trying to move her arm, Rachel very quickly discovered she was bound.  
Dried blood made opening her right eye difficult and her hair hung lank and knotted across her face.  
She tried in vain to comprehend the situation she found herself in.

And then she heard it, like ice on a fresh burn, so quick was the relief she found in hearing his voice that she was momentarily numb to the pain.  
''B-Bucky?'' her voice was weak and it cracked as she spoke - due to lack of use and a cacophony of emotions that berated her all at once.

She heard him sigh, and thought she heard a little relief in his voice.  
''Where are we?'' Rachel winced as a particularly sudden and rather sudden fit of coughing racked her body and the chains jingled.

Bucky tried to move once more and failed, he slumped against his restraints, ''I don't know. I couldn't see.'' he paused, and Rachel saw the tumultuous sea of emotion flood his pale face.

''This is-''  
''This is not your fault Bucky.'' Rachel cut him off in a voice as stern as one can manage when one is hanging in a dark cell. She was momentarily impressed by herself. Even now, she found that she had an urge to protect Bucky's state of mind, and slowly, as her own mind pieced back what she could remember, she knew that this was not Bucky's fault.

It was Hydra. Hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D and their goddamn arms race. They had gone from building bigger and better weapons to building bigger and better people.  
It was sheer insanity. The ethical implications alone added to Rachel's headache.

She took a moment to take a mental list of her injuries. As far as she could tell, nothing was broken. Her head throbbed angrily, her arms ached from being held at such an awkward angle, and her wrists burned from taking the brunt of her body weight.  
Other wise, aside from some tenderness, she seemed alright.  
Blowing her hair from her eyes, she managed to give Bucky a once over. He was bare from the waist up, and the black trousers he had been wearing in her house what seemed an age ago, we scuffed and torn about the knees.  
He had a heavy black eye and his lip was cut and puffed up. Several bruises coloured his abdomen, some of which looked several days old.

This offered Rachel a feeling of alarm. How long had it been since they had been in her house? Days? Weeks?

''Are you alright?'' she managed to keep as much panic from her voice as she could. But it was a fruitless task.  
Bucky swallowed and gave a terse nod.  
''You?'' he asked quietly.

And she couldn't help it, though their situation could not seem more dire, Rachel settled on the fact that if she was going to die. She at the very least wanted to see that lopsided grin of Bucky's just one more time.  
''Oh-'' she said, and a slow smile crept across her face.  
''-you know, I'm hanging in there.''

Bucky's jaw dropped, he looked so astonished in that moment that Rachel would have given anything to take a picture of his expression. But then, slowly at first, then with the beauty and certainty of the rising sun, Bucky grinned, and he laughed aloud. It was a strange sound in the dark depths of the cell, but in her fatigue, fear and willingness to escape reality for just a moment, Rachel found herself laughing along side him.

''So meine kinder. Welcome home.''

The chill that accompanied the heavily accented voice was bone deep.  
Both Rachel and Bucky stared at each other, unable to see the owner - though the both knew who it was.

The heels of Engel's boots clicked viciously upon the stone floor, the echo was maddening.  
''How good it is to have all of our children under one roof once more.'' he arrived in front of Rachel and reached up to touch her cheek. Rachel flinched away from his touch but could not get away from his long fingers.  
Engel's eyes racked her body from head to toe, and his breath grew heavy.

''You have turned in to quite the specimen 7145.''  
Without pausing, without so much as even thinking about it, Rachel spat at him.


	18. Ready! Aim! Fire!

**AN : **My loves it's about here I am going to warn you all that this story is going to get rather dark rather fast. I don't want to give too much away, but if you have been following this story and are worried about triggers, please PM me and I'll give you a heads up.  
Lyrics are from the amazing Imagine Dragons song **"Ready! Aim! Fire!"**  
F.E.  
Xxx

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen :**

_With our backs to the wall,_  
_The darkness will fall,_  
_We never quite thought we could lose it all_  
_Ready, aim, fire, ready, aim, fire..._

* * *

''They're gone.'' Tony was sitting on Rachel's couch, the helmet of his suit resting on his knee. His armour encased arm was draped over the back of the leather couch and he was surveying the scene before him with a muted expression.  
Steve had placed a blanket over the dog, and tried to ignore the blood seeping through. His anger at whoever had murdered the innocent animal was seconded only by his aching fear that it had been Bucky.

What if something had gone wrong? Rachel had said it herself. The chances of regression in Bucky's case had been huge. What if Rachel had been right? Could he have removed the tracker? Could he have taken Rachel by force?

''Cap, you don't think-'' Tony trailed off and Steve knew he was thinking the very same thing.

_No. _Steve had to reassure himself that Bucky was not capable of this.  
_Then who was?  
_  
Natasha had removed the bullet from the dog - much to Tony's disgust - and had sent it to ballistics.  
Agent Barton had disappeared and Steve could only assume he was running a re-con in the surrounding area.

For now, there was little they could do - but wait.

_Come on Buck. _Steve stared out of the living room window as the heavy clouds rolled across the sun.

* * *

The cold cell was filled with noise.  
There was the clinking of chains as Bucky struggled against them and growled in frustration.

There was the heavy sound of flesh against flesh as the back of Engel's hand lit up the side of Rachel's face and she cried out in.

Engel grinned and readjusted a heavy ring on his finger. The indentation of which was not marked on Rachel's cheek.

''Mein God, little 7145, you have grown haven't you? So _bold.'' _He laughed, and motioned to something behind him.

''Nehmen sie nach unten.'' _Take her down._

Two soldiers, dressed in black, their faces covered stepped from the inky darkness that lurked along the edges of their dimly lit world.

Rachel's head was throbbing, she was seeing double and was damn certain one or more of her back teeth had come loose.

She heard the chains clink and suddenly, the weight on her wrists disappeared, and the floor rushed up to meet her with more force that she anticipated.  
She crumpled.  
Her body had grown frail from shock, exhaustion and dehydration.

''Stop it!'' Bucky yelled, struggling harder than ever.  
''Now - '' with a hard yank, Engel gripped Rachel's hair and turned her face up to meet his.

Engel glanced at Bucky and gave a long hard laugh. A laugh of victory, and even in her state, Rachel felt the sickening realisation of just why they had brought her wash over her.  
''You see - I wondered when we found you Sergeant Barnes how we were going to re-start your training.'' He paused, and dragged Rachel unsteadily to her feet.

''Would we do as we always have done? No, because every time is the same result. For a time it works perfect. But then - '' Engel feigned a frown. ''-then he starts to remember and everything has to start over. It is wonderfully annoying.'' his accent was thick, and his words sometime stinted, but there was no room for misinterpreting Engel.

Engel's grin widened, and then he looked, from Rachel to Bucky.  
''But Wanda has been looking inside both of your heads. The things she tells me make me so happy.'' with that he dropped Rachel and she fell again, into a groaning heap on the floor. The taste of blood in her mouth made her nauseous.

''Now I see I don't have to waste all my time on training my Prodigal Son. Now - '' he raised his foot and pressed it down hard on Rachel's ankle. She hissed in pain, but did her best not to make a sound, she did not want to give him the satisfaction of hearing her scream.  
She looked up through her hair and saw Bucky staring down helplessly at her. His eyes wide and round, he looked terrified. He had stopped struggling, he seemed frozen as he hung there, a deer caught in the headlights on an oncoming car.

''Now I have _leverage_.'' he pressed harder and a scream tore from Rachel's lips that echoed off stone walls.

''STOP IT!''  
''We humans are base creatures.'' Engel ignored Bucky's roar and twisted his foot harder, and though she tried to stop herself Rachel couldn't help but cry out again.

''Emotions are something many people say we have no control over.'' Engel licked his lips, and as his foot dug deeper still he nonchalantly reached into his coat pocket and drew out a silver cigarette case.

Bucky's struggles reignited with the flick of a match and Engel's first deep inhalation of a strong smelling cigar.  
''Yet we have found a way to control them. I have created a perfect army. Unquestioning, unbending. The world has failed, democracy makes a mockery out of our potential as a race. _The Avengers-_'' he spat as he said their name -''are little more than a band of buffoons. My soldiers are the perfect example of mankind.''

''_Please._'' Bucky begged.  
And suddenly, Engel stepped off of Rachel, and in a cloud of smoke he laughed his terrible laugh.

In a sudden movement Engel motioned towards Bucky and he was dropped - though he landed a little more gracefully than Rachel.  
Engel's guards stepped forward and restrained Bucky, as Rachel lay on the floor, groaning in agony.

It was about then that both Rachel and Bucky became aware of another noise.  
Shouts from nearby, pleas and shrieks reached their ears.

The doors were thrown open and two soldiers appeared to be dragged a man into the room.

''No please! PLEASE! My wife? My son? What will happen to them? Forgive me please!''  
The man shrieked and pleaded and yet the soldiers did not betray even the slightest inclination of hearing his cries.

''Now my friend it is time to test you, to see how far you will go to protect your new friend.'' Engel dropped his cigar by Rachel's face and she flinched, Bucky started as though he was going to start struggling again but he appeared to think better of it, as Engel reached around and drew out a small, rather ornate handgun, and pointed it directly at the back of Rachel's head.

Bucky looked as though he was about to vomit. His eyes bulged and he fought harder than ever against his captors.  
Engel pulled Rachel to her knees by her hair and pressed the gun to her temple.

When Rachel realised what was happening she looked at Bucky.  
''Don't-'' she croaked and Engel pressed the gun a little harder into her temple.  
''Hush now.'' he breathed, ''Let him decide.''

The man's screams had faded into muted whimpering and the soldiers holding his dragged him across the floor and left him lying in a heap on the floor.  
From what Rachel could see he was middle aged, balding, he beginnings of a beer-belly had begun but otherwise he looked like a perfectly normal man. his shirt was torn and his suit pants scuffed and tattered.  
He looked around fearfully.

Bucky took no heed of the new arrival, he had eyes only for the gun and it's target.

''So Sargent Barnes, you have a choice to make.-'' Engel lit another cigar and the stench made Rachel gag.  
''You will be handed a gun, and you will kill this man. You will not ask why, you will simply do as you are told, or I will shoot 7145 here, and kill him myself.''  
Engel nodded and the soldiers holding Bucky released him and one handed him a plain black Glock.  
Bucky eyed the weapon for a moment, then swallowed hard, his eyes fell upon the man he had been ordered to kill.

''Bucky-'' Rachel hadn't meant to cry, she tried so hard not to, but his name fell from her lips in a sob the rendered Bucky incapable of any other thought but that she _must_ be protected.  
He looked at her then, with her messy hair and her cheek beginning to swell, her bright eyes round and terrified.

Rachel had come to him in his hour of need, she had stopped the poking and prodded and merely looked at the man underneath. In the short time he had spent with her, his head had become a far less confusing place. The memories he strived so hard for were not so difficult to find with Rachel around, her smile and her careless laugh were things Bucky did not feel prepared to lose forever.

So Bucky pulled the trigger.  
Rachel screamed and her hands covered her eyes as Engel released her and she cowered there, her analytical mine trying to rationalise and make some semblance of sense in the situation they now found themselves in.  
She willed herself to wake up from this nightmare that she knew was her reality.

''_Good.''_ was all Engel said, and the pressure of his gun was removed from Rachel's temple as he holstered it.  
''Come.'' he motioned to his soldiers, two of whom, had already strode over to the body now laying prone on the floor and had begun dragging it across the floor, leaving a trail of dark black blood along the stones.  
''I leave my two children for now, arrangements will be made and you will be moved to more suitable quarters.''

The other soldiers pried the Glock from Bucky's hand and they left without a word.  
The heavy doors slammed shut behind Engel and his cronies, and Rachel and Bucky were left alone.

Her heart wrenching sobs caught Bucky's attention.  
''Rachel-'' he breathed, and then he bolted to her side, falling to his knees next to her.

Rachel didn't even think, the horror of what had just happened and the relief of no longer being held at bullet point were too much.  
She looked up at Bucky, his five o'clock shadow trailing along his taught jawline.  
Her blood was pounding in her ears.  
Bucky had just killed for her.

Rachel threw her arms around him and felt relief wash over her as his hard arms encircled her and drew her to his chest.

Bucky held her tight and pressed his face into her hair. He couldn't go through this again without her, and as sorry as he was that she had been dragged into this with him, he was so selfishly grateful that she was with him in that moment.


End file.
